3.31.2009

Osbourne's Reloaded:Live Blog

Okay, live blogging the new Osbourne's Variety Show. I hope it is bad enough to merit this insane honor. BTW, apparently a chimp lady (the victim) update is coming up at 10:00. Fox, sinking their hooks in ever deeper! To the liveblog!

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9:29--Okay, the introductions are really awkward, the bleeping out is obnoxious. Apparently their only shtick is swearing. I guess HBO didn't bite.

9:31--Jack, the drug addict, makes a drug joke in like the first 2 minutes. Roofie reference... great.

9:32--Okay, doing some idiotic kissing contest. First the guy has kissed a seemingly hot girl (who I am hoping is a tranny)...

9:33--No, they just replaced her with a Granny. Hilarious. Not. Playing "Let's Get It on." Nice call. Who wrote this skit? This is the stupidest thing I've seen on Network TV. Possibly ever. Worst stars, worst writing, worst premise. In short, it's totally living up to expectations so far!

Commercial Break

9:35--Ozzy as a farting Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing... Awful.

9:37--Some idiotic raffle with Ozzy acting as a prop, yet again. So dumb. BTW, "Nick." "Did you know that rhymes with "bleep"?" Classy!

9:38--A weird ID game. Then his girlfriend comes on screen (Hawaii, Italy, Catalina Island, The Mediterranean, which one doesn't belong?)

9:39--Nice, they are trying to force a guy to marry his girlfriend on TV. She's in a dress and everything. "It's over unless you marry me tonight."

9:40--Fear factor merged with The Bachelor, with a totally superfluous dose of The Osbournes. Who wrote this? The bastard child of Julio Lugo and Cindy Sheehan?

9:43--Would the Osbourne's be good at real jobs? Okay, so now it's The Simple Life, also. Got it. Totally logical.

9:44--Ozzy is really obnoxious. Kelly is utterly worthless. "Shut Up" is probably the worst album ever produced. Skit is too bad to comment on.

9:49--So they are really sticking it to this guy Nick. Awful theme music also. Sharon and Ozzy got married in 1982? So she's been a fame whore all along, what a shock.

9:50--Blatant "Lil' O'Reilly" rip-off.

9:53--The show is awful, but it's also just really stupidly conceived, garish, and poorly written. It is an abomination, but maybe not the abomination.

9:56--Resolution of the ridiculous Bachelor subplot... Ozzy is apparently giving the bride away. Whatever.

9:57--Damn, the girl is really crying. Whatever.

9:58--Okay... He says yes. Whatever.

10:00--Final grade: D+. Which as everyone knows, is way worse than an F. I totally wasted the last thirty minutes of my life, and it wasn't even a total waste... Can't I do anything right?

3.24.2009

Economic Meltdown Meme: VACACIONES PARA ARGENTINA!!!

At least four people I know in the last few months have done the following:

1. Lost their job, got out of their lease, and gone on a luxurious month long "Fantastic Voyage" to Argentina, enjoying the legendarily "good airs" of Buenos Aires...

2. Decided to take a trip to Argentina for a "school project" on "jaywalking" or "pedestrians" or something... Right... Definitely not a blog motivated journey there.

3. Gone to Argentina "for no reason, out of caprice, on account of lassitude" to quote Baudelaire.

What is it about the Southern Hemisphere that is drawing in the morose, spiritually-deprived, financial-crisis-suffering-through, losing-their-hair-because-of-the-massive-stress-of-it-all, mid-twenties set?

The irresistible love of Tango? The desire to touch the "hand of God"? I don't know, but damn do I wish I didn't still have a job.

3.23.2009

A Celebration in Music IV: Let It Go

This was the final piece in my original Schiavo trilogy. This one focuses on Michael Schiavo, the forgotten hero of the whole mess.


Let It Go - Nostradamus Marquis

3.18.2009

Natasha Richardson Brain-Death: Oh the Memories!


My theory is that the ski accident was caused by an aneurysm or some other about-to-blossom-brain-destroying crisis that would have happened anyway. Like, her balance center was the first area to be affected, hence she didn't immediately lose consciousness, etc.

Thus, though she did fall, it only appeared that this was a cause and effect situation (meme?).

But all of this is beside the point, as I have a Schiavo-like media frenzy taking place not thirty five blocks from my door... Appropriately timed, I might add, given the ongoing Celebration of Music and recent Schiavo reference...

Reached for comment, Ariel Sharon had the following to say:

...

...

...

Amazingly as I wrote those last lines I learned this sad news. It's sad because, now that she's dead, we have no chance of the above picture transforming into this one:

3.17.2009

A Celebration in Music III: Cindy Sheehan

Cindy Sheehan didn't really fit in so well with the original D-M trio of Terri Schiavo, Natalee Holloway, and Michael Jackson in that she wasn't a dead white female.

Yet nevertheless, over the years I think I have done more versions of this song, which again started that fateful night in the apartment of the Actual God.


Cindy Sheehan - Nostradamus Marquis

3.16.2009

A Celebration of Music Part II: Picture (Terri Schiavo Died)


The song that started it all, back in the fall of 2005 (appropriately a full five months post-Schiavo; this blog has always been mostly about the post-Schiavo...).

I stole the music from a piece I wrote back in February 2005, as Terri was nearing completion, a fact I have hidden until now but which I find revealing for trivial reasons I will continue to conceal.

I fondly remember a night over at the then-apartment of The ACTUAL God, in which rudimentary versions of this song and the second song in our sequence (to be revisited soon) were performed to the delight of the audience of Actual Rod, Ariel, Tom, Jesse and others who have faded into the ether...

Without further delay, the gem in the tiara:


Picture (Terri Schiavo Died) - Nostradamus Marquis

Awkward Phone Interaction #2,565


I have terrible phone phobia. I hate calling people, especially people I don't know.

I fear faceless functionaries most of all. For reasons unknown, I dread their prompted responses and endless checklists.

Last year, in an effort to cure myself, I signed up as a volunteer at a phone-a-thon for a very worthy cause (my graduate program). I cold-called people for several hours. It was terrifying, horrifying, horrible. But I did it, and it was mostly fine.

For a while after this I felt better. But then conversations like this happen:

Operator (American male, sounds earnest): Thanks for calling ESPN, how can I help you?

Me: Uh, yeah. I was trying to update my Insider account, and there was this message saying that you, uh, "lost my account info" and that I should call this number.

Op: Ah yes, the website has been acting up lately, I do apologize for that...

Me (too quickly): It's fine.

Op: What's that?

Me: No, I mean, I just imagine you have these glitches and such...

Op: And we do apologize for that.

Me: Okay. So my member name is...

Op: Could you tell me your member name?

Me: Right, it's NostradamusMarquis666.

Op: NostradamusMarkey6666?

Me: No, "Marquis," like the French noble rank... And three sixes.

Op: I'm sorry sir, I don't know French.

Me: Of course not. M-A-R-Q-U-I-S.

Op: I know how to spell Marquis, but I don't know French.

Me: Right, sorry.

Op: So what was your e-mail, for security purposes?

Me: Oh, I don't know which one...

Op: School.

Me (sheepishly): Oh yeah, undergrad...

Op: No, your post-doc fellowship appointment.

Me: What?

Op: Yes, sir, it is probably your undergraduate university based on your birthday which I have here on the screen.

Me: Oh. Uh, is it, Nostradamus.Marquis@yale.edu?

Op: Bingo. So, wanna update that mailing address too?

Me: Uh yeah, so it's 103045 Lexington Avenue.

Op: Spell that for me.

Me: L-E-X-I-N-G-T-O-N A-V-E---

Op: I work as an operator, I know how to spell "avenue."

Me: Right. Sorry. (softly, and off to the side) But not Lexington?

Op: So, I take it that's New York, NY, Mr. Ivy League?

Me: What?

Op: New York, NY, Mr. Marquis?

Me: That's right. What was that supposed to mean?

Op: So do you want to put that on the Double Platinum AmEx card, or the Visa Gold Caviar Club--

Me: Uh. Yeah, AmEx is fine. And while we're at it, how much is this gonna cost?

Op: Not much, high roller. Just $39.95.

Me: A month?

Op: Yep.

Me: That's a lot steeper than I remember, but, well, ahhh...

Op: Okay, you're all set, Mr. Privileged Rich Dick, hope you have a fucked day.

Me: Excuse me?

(dial tone)

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Much of this is true. The guy did tell me Insider was $39.95/month (instead of /year), which had me in a panic for about four minutes as I searched down the real info on ESPN's site.

The worst part of all of this is, despite the incredible awkwardness of the call, this was one of my better interactions.

3.11.2009

Nostradamus Marquis: A Celebration in Music


Over the next few weeks, I will be posting links to the entire Nostradamus Marquis back catalog of satirical songs from over the years. Many of them have dated (of course, many were dated even when they were written), but they are still fun.

Here's the first, my tribute to a little man called John Mark Karr:


John Mark Karr (II) - Nostradamus Marquis

3.06.2009

Yacht Aid 2009


Yacht Aid 2009 - Kent Bartleby

The second song features the recorded debut of Dan "The Guitarist" Berger, doing a masterful job on second lead guitar.