1.30.2007

Freedom in the Cave


Have you ever wondered what a philosophically motivated jam-band would sound like? Are you interested in the intersections of the discrete worlds of Crunk, Reggaeton, Spazz, and Flip music? Have you cried yourself to sleep wishing we had more leaders like Alcibiades? Fear not! Your time has come!

"Freedom in the Cave" is now onsale! This album, more than any other in human history, answers the questions "What is the proper human response to the rise of mechanical vitalism?" and "Was Plato actually wrong and Aristotle right about the blues, or does Socrates trump them both?" To find the answer to these and many other key, improbably real questions, simply click on the button below. You won't be disappointed. And neither will your ancestors' ghosts, all of whom will be instantly redeemed once you purchase this magnificent, oppulent album.



And for those of you who don't trust me but would still like to achieve enlightenment, you can also buy this auspicious disk at:

CD Baby, the best CD site ever.

Thank you. May your city triumph over the Sparta of the heart.

1.25.2007

#3.312005


More self aggrandizement, but I thought my coverage of the JMK scandal was really spirited. So I'm honoring myself with a decimal spot on the countdown, on account of:

I "shall be the conqueror"

#4


I was going to only include one post of Actual God's as a form of censure for his, ahem, somewhat negligent posting habits, but how can I do that when he utters genius like this?

What Wood Said

1.23.2007

#5


Rich blogs more than anybody, even more than I. Way more than I do, or have ever really done, ever.

In April 2006, for instance, Rich made 91 insightful and ingenious posts. 91. Add a one and you've got 9-11 and you know what that means... Big time terrorist trouble!

Anyway, the last post of April was the best. Observe:

Draft Recap

I should also add that this post makes the countdown primarily on the strength of this evocative paragraph:
Finally, a lonely man in a Giants jersey and hat (who claimed that he liked the Jets, the Redskins, and just about every other team as well) befriended a woman and her son while desperately trying to get Michael Irvin to sign a football for the little boy. Only problem was that Irvin was busy doing his job on national TV! Eventually, this man assured the little boy that Irvin would sign his ball and began telling the mother/son combo his life story. Only at the Draft.

1.18.2007

Ron Mexico is Back!


A secret compartment for weed? Great...

1.17.2007

#6



I've been told that the Maestro, Tom actually contributed to our #8 post this year. Why he has been removed from the blog roll on Delino I do not know, but I assume it may be employment related...

But no matter, that man is a genius, and over the (two) years he has provided us with many high points. Too many to mention really. So, rather, we must basque (separatists) in the glory of:

Mr. Hollands Opus Dei

#6.314


Seldom in our tight-knit circle of blogging brothers (and sister) does any conflict emerge. But on occasions, a difference of opinion develops out of the filmy haze. The death of Steve Irwin provided us with such a moment of discord. It seems Dan Tom perhaps made too much light of tragic event, but luckily, champion of Chess Babes and Animal-enthusiast enthusiast (remember the cats who were recently voted best acquistion of 2006 by Kiplingers) Eric came to the rescue with this stunning reply:

OubliettesGo Most Gentrified Parts of Manhattan 2006

Special points go to Eric (thus accounting for the .314) for the Defending Your Life reference. Surely this was the highpoint of Albert Brooks's genius?

Better Late than Never

Had to link to this story:
Osama bin Laden may want to blast off the United States and everyone on it, but not before he gets a hold of singer Whitney Houston, whom he allegedly refers to as "the most beautiful woman he's ever seen."


(Hat-tip to Mr. Sinister)

#6.412


What would we be without the sexual myth,
Human reverie, or poem of death:
Castratos of moon-mash--Life consists

In propositions about life.

--Wallace Stevens

What better way to pay tribute to the newly dubbed "Give Me A Balcony" than to quote a dubiously applicable Wallace Stevens poem?

Myth of American Hyperpower

Horrors of the Wealthy


Some wealthy families have the funniest problems...

#6.49999


While technically a 2005 post, since he gave us nothing else, I have to include Lester's abdication:

Dear Faithful Readers

#6.5


2006 was the year that a blogging giant began to emerge from his incipience; while one titan (Lester) vanished, another rose to begin to pour sand into the gaping pit of sarlacc left in our hearts...

I speak of course of Mulatto Jesus, the half-blood prince of the blogosphere. MJ, like Nostradamus, seems to have initially been inspired by Actual God. Admirable. Very admirable. As the year progressed, however, a pitch and tone, a grandeur and aplomb, slowly slouched towards Bethlehem to be born... Observe:

I hate it when...

#7



Only from Kingspawn could we expect to receive such an hilarious and gratuitously vulgar and offensive image. His mix of racism, apocalypse fear-mongering, and leftist fury is like the array of colors on the palette of Manet. Consider the shitting-redneck, or the dragon cock as his Olympia, and consider this post, a masterpiece from March, to be the seventh best blogpost of 2006:

Friday Roundup

1.16.2007

#8


Anything that makes fun of Alberto Gonzales scores high, but when it is delivered with the deft subtlety of a comic MASTER, it deserves a place among the immortal on the countdown.

This is a grand example of a favored Dan Bergerian mode, the ironic take on the mundane encounter, only here the stakes are higher, the players more real (and dangerous), and the comedy so finely wrought you can see your reflection in it. Without further introduction, I give you:

NSA Spying Scandal Exclusive

#9


Not to toot my own horn, but:

The Connection

#10 Best Blogpost of 2006


With awards season upon us, I thought it was high time we sparked up the old memory machine and took a riveting and informative drive through the highlights of the blogging year that was.

We begin where we ended last year, with a post from the always delightful but (lately) not so loquacious Actual God. This post is one among a sequence of so called "Dream Revelations" (a feature I frequently ripped off in the early days of D-M), but it is deserving of special recognition because it showcases several of our favorite things about AG, and about blogging.

1)Self-hating Jewishness. Has any one thing spawned more comic genius?

2)Free-associative savoir faire-- It's everywhere!

But enough, enjoy this marvelous gem. I give you

Dream Revelation

1.15.2007

Paula Abdul Update



Seems like she hasn't kicked her vicodin habit yet...

Countdown in the work.

1.10.2007

About Time?



"Where mistakes have been made, the responsibility rests with me." --President Bush

A remarkable moment, which I gladly missed in order to enjoy another dinner with my blogging cohorts. It's funny how only after his party has lost the election Bush takes any responsibility for this horror show... Funny. Really fucking funny.

1.09.2007

Barren Wastelands of Flesh

We walk about our world. We seek the richer, tastier fruits of life. And yet again and again, a paradox presents itself. How can we be happy if our hope is only the unmitigated pleasure we perceive happiness to be, and not a true happiness that resides beyond, that we sense only through a dusty window, mutely...

Oh woe upon man, woe upon the woe of man!

I feel like we have passed something by. Something that we should have bought is now sold out. A fragrance we were to have concocted in our labs is still unsmelt. No amount of worrying or kvetching on our parts can make the past repeat itself, with a difference, oh a crucial difference!

If history is a wine press, and we the grapes of wrath, then our blood is the mixed in beaks of crows caught trying to steal a greedy sip.

Those were halcyon days, those days when the tremulous buzz of a constant bore wrought our minds over subjects near and far... You know what I am talking about. 2005. The greatest year ever, for reasons too obvious and numerous to list.

It's now 2007. We're no longer even adjacent to the glory. And nothing, not even the pathetic site of Nancy Pelosi and a gaggle of youths, can lend us any hope that these days will be such days as those.

1.02.2007

Separated at Birth

I was disappointed with the response to the caption contest. The clear winner was Tom. Close second to MJ and Kingspawn. Moving on, we have a new SAB, this one actually pretty uncanny for anyone who watches the OC and Rome...


Polly Walker

and



Melinda Clarke.

Caption Contest



It's open season, in honor of the new year. AG, I expect something profound from you.