3.31.2006

Disaster for Chico St.

You thought what happened at Duke was bad? You think resident douche-bag, weird-voice fuck-up President Richard Brodhead has totally screwed his post-Yale resume? You feel like the asshole has aged ten years because a bunch of his rich white students imprisoned and raped a poor black dancer in a mixed race community? Fuck all this attention. The real tragedy of the term has taken place at Chico State where, get this, an underage softball recruit got drunk on a recruiting trip. Happily, since this appaling and unfortunate incident, the Chico authorities have taken the right steps and canceled the rest of the softball season. My only question: Where is Nancy Grace? When can we press charges?

One Year



We miss you Terri.

3.27.2006

Travesty

Is it me, or have the removed the time change function from Blogger? If so, and I'm not just incredibly stupid, this is a travesty.

3.25.2006

Reality Check


So last night I was watching Bill Maher's show and one of the panelists was Jason Alexander. He acquitted himself very well, but the moment we all knew was coming did, at last, come, courtesy of Representative Jack Kingston. Alexander made a good point about raising children, and Kingston responded by saying (of course) "George has a really good point there," at which Maher quickly corrected his gaffe and Alexander lightly laughed the whole thing off. But I ask you this, has anyone in history ever been so swallowed by a role?

3.17.2006

Pool

I started really strong, but alas, I've fallen off a bit with my Big East homies failing me... Still hanging around the middle of the pack, but I hope to mount a strong comeback (don't know how)!!!

3.12.2006

Untapped Spring Break Hotspots: Pitcairn Island


In honor of Spring Break which I am celebrating (where else) New Haven, I thought I would take some time to profile a few of the destinations you WON'T be seeing on MTV this year, but which are nonetheless equally hot as far as the party scene goes. Take Pitcairn Island. At first glance, this remote island with a population of about 50, most of whom are Seventh-Day Adventists, wouldn't seem like the haven for young-person debauchery that it actually is. But the truth is right there in the peoples' origins; many of the inhabitants are descendants of the mutineers from the famous "Mutiny on the Bounty" who settled the island after stumbling upon it in their flight from the British Navy.

This place is bumping, and if you're worried about any annoying natives getting in the way of your partying, fear not, the Aborigines left long ago.

No, the only inhabitants are descendants of Fletcher Christian (and the Taitian women he abducted and brought with him), the charming figure to the left who was portrayed by Mel Gibson in the 1984 film The Bounty, which also stars Anthony Hopkins, Liam Neeson, and that spry poet's offspring, Daniel Day-Lewis. A fine film.

Another major draw of Pitcairn for some will be the opportunity for elicit, ritualized, traditional sex with underage girls, a tradition islanders claim dates back to the original Bounty Mutineers. If they base all of their laws on the actions of the original mutineers I hope they are ready to accept murder, as most of the sailors and Tahitian men in Fletcher's band killed each other (or succumbed to excessive drunkenness) in the first few years of the settlement. When American whalers "rediscovered" Pitcairn in 1808, only John Adams of the original eight sailors was still alive, along with several Tahitian women and children. You can tell this place is ideal for a party, right?

Another drawback is Pitcairn's relative isolation. The nearest islands are hundreds of miles away, and Pitcairn is only accesible via passing cargo ships. It took author Dea Birkett two years to book passage, arrange for an island home-stay (there are no hotels), and receive permission from the British Government to visit the island (for the secret purpose of writing her book,Serpent in Paradise. But come on, is that really gonna stop us from partying hardy on Pitcairn this spring break? Hell no!

There is good news afoot, the Pitcairn men have lost their appeal of the rape charge, so those Pitkearners are ripe for some fresh blood! Join me, I've already booked us seats on a Czech freighter, what could be better?

3.11.2006

Another Criminal: Claude Allen



Yet another crooked Republican! What a shock, what an absolute stunner... He was running a refund scam! Ha, I thought only crack addicts did that! Anyway, good to know there's not a general streak of corruption among Bush's advisors or anything... Full story here

3.09.2006

Test


Videos by vMix Member:
RHB67


In case anyone hasn't seen this shiznit...

American Hero

Santino Rice, you were so wronged on project runway, so f'ing wronged. No one deserved it more, no one was better TV, no one was a better designer. Chloe had no place winning, no passion for the show. Project Runway totally blew it. That bitch from Will and Grace has absolutely no eye for fashion. Fuck them, Santino, you are the man and you are going to produce an amazing line very soon, don't worry.

I love you Santino Rice. You are my new personal icon.

3.07.2006

Separated at Birth

Usher

and

Ray Allen

Plus (special thanks to Dan for this call)

Joran Van Der Sloot

and

Colin Hanks

American Value


You know, just the other day I was looking for a battery in my house when to my horror I found that I had run out of batteries! I also noted that I was nearly out of paper towels and oatmeal packages as well. This called for drastic action.

I ran down to my car, hopped in, and sped up I-91, got off at Exit 8, drove through a couple of lights, and then took a right into a spacious, open-air Wal-Mart parking lot. From my car it was a short walk to the main entrance, where I was greeted by a friendly salesperson. Having visited Wal-Marts religiously for the past six years wherever I travel in America, I know the general lay-out of the stores. Therefore I headed straight for the cleaning supplies, stopping to grab a bunch of batteries which had been marked down to an incredible price) on the way. After getting the paper-towels, I moved briskly to the supermarket area where I was happy to find Quaker oats on sale for half the price of what I would have found at my local, immigrant run deli... "Ain't that America!" I thought to myself as I paid for my purchases. "Thank God for the Stars and Stripes, and thank God for Wal-Mart!"

By the way, I may not be blogging for a few days, I'm taking an all-expenses-paid vacation.

3.06.2006

House of Cosbys


An amazingly funny cartoon, if you haven't seen it check it out here (link via NYTimes).

Apparently Bill Cosby himself is not too happy about this, and his attorneys have issued "cease-and-desist" orders to the show's creators. I wonder what he would think about my poem...

The Nature of Roughness

Benoit is speaking at the Caesar Chavez Student Center in conjunction with SFSU. Poster linked here.
Thought you might appreciate that one Nos! A throwback to the Group 4 requirement!

3.04.2006

Sorry Hartford,


"Beethoven is not going to save you."

Lucy suggests Hartford instead employ one of those devices (used by that store in Wales) that emits an annoying sound only young people can hear.

3.03.2006

South Dakota Abortion Insanity

Watching the ever informative Newshour with Jim Lehrer's coverage of the South Dakota abortion ban led me to discover a new favorite nightmare. Meet representative Bill Napoli. He is a Republican, an ardent supporter of Family values. When asked for an example of a situation when an abortion might be acceptable he responded with the following (pay special attention to the imagery):
A real-life description to me would be a rape victim, brutally raped, savaged. The girl was a virgin. She was religious. She planned on saving her virginity until she was married. She was brutalized and raped, sodomized as bad as you can possibly make it, and is impregnated. I mean, that girl could be so messed up, physically and psychologically, that carrying that child could very well threaten her life.
Pretty amazing, no? I like the suggestion that a raped religious virgin is somehow more traumatized (and hence more "threatened") than a raped non-virgin athiest... Absurd. The best part is the reference to sodomy. What's that doing in there? No one ever got pregnant through sodomy last I checked...

K. T. MacFarland: Keystone Kops All The Way

So I was reading a truly informative piece of journalism about the Republicans' (for once) woefully mismanaged attempt to challenge Hillary Clinton in the 2006 Senate election when I found a reference to that delightful band of bunglers, the Keystone Kops.

Keystone Kops, I have always assumed, refers to some 1970's "CHiPs"-style show that I just haven't seen, a show that focuses on the hilarious bumbling of a group of well-intentioned, good-looking police men, possibly with motorcycles. Right? This is what everyone thinks, right?

Wrong. Dead wrong. In fact, the real Keystone Kops were featured in a sequence of silent films that were made from 1912-1917! I was blown away by this revelation, honestly, I had no idea that phrase referred to something so old... But knowing this, I am perhaps more troubled than I was... I now have no way of explaining how something from ninety years ago has retained currency when someone like Hammer (gold chain jingle to Rich) seems hopelessly dated... Who can explain?

3.02.2006

Craigslist Kitten Fraud!

That's right, shocking as that title is, I'm afraid it's true. I was perusing Craigslist, as is my sometime wont, when I came across this promising ad for free kittens. The picture to the left shows what appeared to be a litter of Russian Blues. I was immediately in love. The Russian Blue has long been among my favorite breeds. Its curious pelt shines with a gentle luminesence that is elixir to my eyes. Still, something about such beautiful kittens being offered for free puzzled me. It, quite frankly, didn't add up. So I went to Google and searched for images of "Russian blue". To my horror the image to the right is the third that came up, from a PBS documentary.
Notice the similarity in the baskets, and of the chair the baskets are sitting upon. Quite clearly, the image supplied by that person on Craigslist is a blatant forgery, lifted from this PBS website. I mean, for Gods sake, it's obvious, it's the same damn group of cats, and they're beautiful, and they're markedly NOT BEING GIVEN AWAY FOR FREE in Manhattan, hell no. I bet this ad is actually a sinister ruse designed to ensnare unwitting animal lovers into a world of brokered sex-slavery. Either that or these people are offering a motley bunch of disfigured, unvaccinate, FIV-riddled flea-bags... But I much prefer the first possibility.

3.01.2006

New Song


Sort of. Not really a "blog" song, but I think some might enjoy its rather glib prophetic tone. It is a subtle reconstitution of a dream I had a few months ago... The instrumentation is curious, guitars, whole-tone blocked/electronically-sliced recorders, vocals, and of course african thumb piano. This song is in line with what my current thinking on the polysemious strands of liife amounts to... So, without further rambling, kindly check out:

Screen Test

No, seriously...


I really think Paula Abdul and Michael are the same person. Watching her doddering, dope-addled gaze couple with her bemusing positivity is enough to make a quail weep.

Hope you like the new format, I felt the old green was a bit too acrid. That, and the diamond shapes atop the bar felt a bit unearned. In the future I hope to concentrate a more on stupidity over substance. On occasion I have given myself the mistaken idea that I take my own political thought seriously. No more. Instead I hope to ascend into a Yoko Ono-esque zeitgeist of cosmic generality, punctuated at a few key moments by the flipper-flaps of my birth-defected offspring of the mind.