9.07.2006

Steve Austin


The Croc Hunter is dead, despite all of the bionic enhancements paid for by our government. I know this guy fell out of a plane (in service of the US of A) and broke every bone in his body, but now that he has been killed by a usually harmless (As of 1996, worldwide known deaths from stingray barb injuries numbered 17) marine animal, isn't it our civic duty as taxpayers to complain? With the adamantium skeleton, combined with the DNA firmware update, plus the Australian accent lessons we poured a lot of money into this sucker, and he gets killed by a two bit sea-fauna like this clown? I don't believe it. The video, which will hopefully surface on YouTube soon, that purportedly shows Monsieur Austin pulling the stinger from his heart will no doubt be a wistful final reminder of our killing machine's courage and inhuman zeal. But will it be worth it? It's a sinister calculus, weighing the pleasure of seeing a man rip a poisoned barb from his heart against the deep pain of knowing it is a one time affair, at taxpayer expense... I find myself caught in an almost Foucaultian paradox, my mind stumbling over two parallel and seemingly equal plains of possibly true outcome but knowing that somehow each is irrevocably false. The bridge! Oh the sweet bridge! Charon, guider of souls, lead me free of both shores and lend to my step infinity, that talent your strokes have learned most brightly!

Anyway, it is a bittersweet sadness overcomes me now, like a harp plucked badly by a sightly wench... Austin should have been more careful, knowing his own value, or more precisely, his cost to the society he loved. It seems that all of this was unnecessary, a harsh contingency wrought from the brutal and unnecessary concord between man and nature. Why, for the sake merely of media, would one so blatantly tempt the gates of oblivion? I suppose I have thought something about this... But until now, it has been only a fragmented glister of the gleam to come! This death is but a harbinger of future deaths; the collusion between the camera and the world has grown to Godfather level proportions. Only a Fidel Castro of the New Media can liberate the freedom of the world, through dictatorship. Ahem...

But to Steve Austin, Crocodile Hunter, we pay a Six Million Dollar tribute:

3 comments:

Dan said...

A beautiful, stirring tribute.

KINGSPAWN said...

guess who's back
back again
'damus' back
tell a friend

this comment is whack.

M. Shahin said...

You almost had me believing that Steve Austin died. My sister was getting indignant, and was going to correct you.

Then we figured out you were being satirical.