Tark the Shark

Tark has regrettably been left out of the 2005 "Man of the Year" contest.
Let's give him one last, fair, steady-handed, ncaa approved consideration?
Sure, he wasn't in the media spotlight this year... but lord knows we all still live in the wake of his media frenzy.

Tark, we hold you in our hearts... and though you're affiliated with Fresno now, you'll always be a Runnin' Rebel to us! (Plus you were born in Euclid, math connection established)


Daniel Munz

Dear Mister Munz--

Re: your criticism of my radicalism: Don't worry, I wasn't offended.

Re: your other request, I'm afraid you're out of luck.




Unfortunate Coincidence

It's really too bad when someone accused of rape is named Rapallo, no?

Pornographic Roulette Raleigh-Durham

Butterfly in my eye
George Lucas is a spy
Take a swig
Make it big
Of frothy lye!
Frothy lye!

We can eat anything!
Poison kelp
The Beatle's Help!
Frothy lye!
Frothy lye!


Kirk Cameron/Ricky Schroder

How dare you remove the umlaut, you un-German freak, Ricky.

Anyway, someone posted an anonymous flame of one of AR's posts recently calling his/herself "Kirk Cameron".... This reminded me of the hilarious fact that during the filming of Growing Pain Kirk Cameron became such a maniacal Christian maniac that he insisted on having "faith-based" themes in the show and discouraged the writers from emphasizing Mike's "bad boy" image... Remind me why the show was canceled again?

Hey Kirk: your moronic and brutalizing faith has no place in America, or anywhere else. That's right, I said it, Christianity is BAD NEWS.



This Can't Be True

Apparently a gambling craze is sweeping college campuses. But we all know this isn't the case, nor could it be the case. Ever.


New Hero

Now that Darrell Russell is dead, I have to find a new favorite NFL player. I want votes on this, here are the candidates:

Stuart Schweigert

Tebucky Jones

Gilbert Brown

Or, the NFL's newest star, Rich Berger


I've Signed My First Sponsorship!

It's a brave new world now that I've put my staunchest endorsement (and my name) behind the new Nos High Performance Energy Drink. I urge all my beloved readers to rush, nay fly, to their local deli and pick up a soothing canister.

UDATE: I just drank the canister. I feel a strange superabundance of unnecessary chemicals. A small shrub also just began to grow on my forearm. I think I've been fertilized. I may have to reconsider my endorsement, though I'll wait until after I bring the shrub to harvest to decide.


Seasons Greetings

Merry Christmas to All! The festivity of this time of year never fails to overwhelm me, what is one to do! Get drunk! Drunk as a slob! Drunk as a slob who might just piss himself! Hey yah!

And a festive Hanukkah to everyone else! Including that would be muckraker Arlo.

And lastly, from David Ludwig, Happy Kwanza! Hope you're ready to meet your maker, cause if I don't get my way, I start hacking! Hurrah!!!

The Real Fraud

Nostradamus recently engaged in a "hilarious" abdication which elicited absolutely zero comments. It was the second such idiotic self-indulgent "identity play" the freak has pulled on his sub-literate readership in the last few months.

The first such coup, the now reviled and justly mocked Nosferatu fiasco, was clearly an attempt to garner sympathy ("Oh please don't retire Nos, we love you!" Cocksuckers!) and attention.

The second attempt was utter idiocy, helped on its way to failure by the redundant and overly verbose Actual Rod.

I have read a study that suggest those who create multiple false identites on the internet are generally very disturbed people.

Could this be the explanation for Nos's stupidities? His irrelevances? His bankruptcies?

As we all know he's descended from some pretty wealthy stock. Was he abused, somehow manipulated as a young man? Could this be the explanation we've all sought for his total moral lassitude and generally sullen (and stupid) demeanor?

Yes. I hate to be the one to say it, and I hope Nostradamus doesn't hide from the truth behind his usual wall of liberal fallacies and lies, but I have legitimate evidence that points to the fact that this story is the story of Nostradamus's youth.

Stand back and marvel at the awful horror! Nostradamus was a child Camwhore!



Those of you who are convinced (by the reports I have heard) that Nostradamus and I are exchangeable are oh so mistaken.

It ain't true.

We're not the same person. I'm insulted that my readers could ever confuse my prose for the porous non-text provided by that punk liberal.

But regardless of these heinous accusations, I will continue proud in my mission to shed light on this darkened blog.

Finally someone has said well what I have been saying for years. I swear, if you only read one Yahoo News story all year, make sure this is the one.


It All Hangs Out

When you're drunk! Oh yeah. That's right, taking a little spin above the limit, if you will, blogging drunk, letting the lips run a little past their scheduled limit...

You know who you are! Yah spit-faced moralists. Yeah, I know. I'm intolerant. Yeah. Fuck you! I dragged those fuckin' milk bottles through the mud for six months for what? The wage? The knowledge that I was earning an "honest living"? You make me sick.

It's a throttlers game, blogging. You know what I'm getting at. Stupid, self-pleasing exercise, immediate rewards. Sound familiar, anyone? You know what I mean.

Come on. What are we after? Is a bunch of humourous typing really gonna lead to a dream job anywhere? The Onion? Those fucks have better taste, they do, they doesssssssssssssssssssss!!!

Full face tonight, full disclosure, no holds barred. Hope you like it, bitches, sap-suckers, drunk lizard lickers, prigs! Hah! I sink my teeth into your empty heart, knowing it is empty because I can eat only that which is laced with the poison of sardonic, empty life. Here is where we're all headed, like it or not!


Darrell Russell Tribute

As many of you know, I am/was possibly the biggest Darrel Russel fan ever.
Sorry, wrong Darrell Russell. The real DRus is none other than this unfortunately late delight:

Darrell was suspended several times for using drugs, including the party drug ecstasy. He was also accused of videotaping two friends while they raped a woman. No matter. Never mind these blights on his character, and besides, no DA could prove Darrell was behind the camera.

No, the real genius of Darrell Russell didn't even come out on the football field, though my late boy was a baller fo' sho.
Here is an extensive interview with Darrell from right after he was drafted:

Q. Darrel, threw a monkey wrench into works a couple days ago. Were you surprised going to the Raiders?

DARRELL RUSSELL: Not really. My agent told me beforehand, my attorney rather, told me beforehand that as it gets closer to the draft, anything can happen. When that trade was made, it just proved him right.

Q. Were you surprised to go so high?

DARRELL RUSSELL: Kind of, sort of. I mean, I figured I'd be in the Top 10 because that was one of the big things as far as me coming out early, coming out of school, one of the things I paid attention to. I felt very fortunate to be looked at a player that could possibly be No. 1. As we got closer, looked like I'd be down to 5, 6-8. Right back to where we started. I wasn't really surprised. To be No. 2, I feel very fortunate, very excited.

Q. Raiders have quite a reputation, silver and black thing. How do you fit in with that?

DARRELL RUSSELL: I went to USC, and the Trojans had a reputation with the cardinal and gold things. To go from one school with tradition, to a pro team that also has a tradition, it feels good.

Q. Talk to any former teammates about what the transition will be like, Keyshawn?

DARRELL RUSSELL: Yes. I've talked to them. I have to understand that both players are coming from two different aspects, one got married when he came out, the other single. Life-styles are a bit different. I talked to both of them, able to get some sort of view on what life would be like. I mean, we're all different.

Q. Initial impressions from the Raiders traded up to two, wanted to get Pace, and obviously the Jets making the trade hurt them a little bit. As far as you're concerned, when did you first start hearing from the Raiders in the last couple of days? How did that all shake out?

DARRELL RUSSELL: Actually, I never heard from the Raiders. I talked to the Raiders when I went to visit. What I heard was after they went to the top to pick Orlando Pace, they might trade down or pick a Walter Jones, who is another exceptional offensive linesman. I had no idea they wanted me or would take me. It was a surprise to me when the time came.

Q. A lot of expectations going in to play for Al?

DARRELL RUSSELL: I have a lot of expectations for myself. I want to come in, I want to contribute. I want to pose a threat. As far as the hard work that I've had up till now, you know, I feel it's just the beginning. I have to turn it up. I'm starting from the beginning; something I'll have to deal with.

Q. How about his reputation, a guy that is going to be a hands-on kind of guy?

DARRELL RUSSELL: That gives me confidence, makes me more comfortable knowing that I'm under such a person with a mind of his. I mean, he has an impeccable record. It's pretty obvious. Everywhere you go, everyone either fears or doesn't like the Raiders. That should tell you something. I mean, it feels good knowing I'm going into a program that's been there and done that, as far as winning championships and having a successful team.

Q. What was it like for you to sit in the back when you could hear your name called? Can you talk about any emotions?

DARRELL RUSSELL: I thought it was funny. Everybody else was so uptight. I was trying to stay awake drinking Coke. As soon as the time came, everyone cheered. I thought it was funny. It's a different type of feeling. I don't know what to say.

Q. Have you been tight over the past few days?

DARRELL RUSSELL: I've been tied up, I haven't been really tight (laughter). I haven't really been tight, I've been relaxed. My thought process, my thinking as far as pertaining to the draft, it's not in my hands. No need to sit there stressing when I'm not making any decision. All I can do is be Darrel. If they like me, they'll pick me; if they don't, so be it. Whoever picks me, I play my heart out for them and their fans, go from there.

Q. Did you kid Keyshawn about his book?

DARRELL RUSSELL: I haven't talked to Keyshawn since before the book. I've heard everything, different rumors about that book. There's nothing I can really say about it. I know nothing about it. I know he had a book signing out at USC on Friday. I heard it's pretty interesting, actually.

Q. What are your thoughts on the AFC West with Denver and Kansas City teams on top for the last few years, any thoughts ongoing?

DARRELL RUSSELL: I think it's one of the most competitive divisions out there. You have a lot of teams that are on an even plane. It's any man's game when you're dealing with that division. It's very interesting. The main thing is you're always going to be on your toes.

Q. Aside from state taxes, are you happy to stay in California?

DARRELL RUSSELL: Well, I mean, I thought it would have been nice to play over here in front of my family. They've only seen me play twice. Like I said, it's not in my hands. Wherever I go, I'm just going to have to deal with it. I'm very excited to play in Oakland. I love the Bay Area, nice area, been there before.

If you actually read all of that you are a better person than I am. Here is a link to the source.

Anyway, back to Darrell, as one blog I found points out, the saddest thing about his death in a fiery mess at 90 miles per hour is that it was presaged by the death of Justin Strelczyck, and of course by the tragic demise of Bobby Phills... That one still hurts.

Darrell, you are gone, but I will always love you, and remember you not as the ecstasy riddled suspended Raider but as the heart that spoke, the expectations that lived, and, alas, the expectations that died.

Behind the Scenes

Producer: Nostradamus, you should really blog about tonight's interview of President Bush by vaunted newsman Jim Lehrer. I think your audience would really like to see Bush put on the spot by the ever savvy Lehrer.

Nostradamus: My audience? Pah! I spit on them! I truncate my sentences so as to mention them less! They sicken me, their prattling, their whining. I'd rather eat a shit falafel from the late Original Falafel than I would think about those lazy slop drinkers another second.

Producer: Uh, but I thought it was mostly your friends who read the blog?

Nostradamus: Friends? You think a mean son of a bitch like me has friends? Hell no. Those prying bitches ain't m'ah freeeends. N'sah.

Producer: Why do you suddenly have an accent?

Nostradamus: To accentuate my derision for your line of direction, Producer. Sure, your well planned countdown brought readership levels to a new high. So what? What can I do now? I feel like Phil Elverum after he made The Glow, Part 2. What can I possibly do next?

Producer: Well whatever you do, please, please don't write a metampsychotic trip-out journey for your next sequence of posts, in which you imagine yourself and your fellow bloggers as personifications of everything in the universe, that will surely fail.

Nostradamus: Whatever.


The Greatest Moment In Human History

Yes, the superlatives are back. Hurray!

Over the years I have been forced on a number of occasions to declare an event "The Greatest Moment in Human History."

Do not assume because there have been multiple Greatest Moments that the moments are in any kind of hierarchy. They are all superlative, and this is certainly not a countdown of any kind. Rather think of this as a retelling, a fabling, a fabulous luxuriance earned through deference paid.

One such notable moment occured during the Giants vs. Ravens Superbowl (in 2001) when consecutive kickoffs were returned for touchdowns (whatever became of Ron Dixon?). In any game this would be close, but in the Super Bowl? No doubt the Greatest Moment in Human History. No doubt.

Another Greatest Moment happened when Sinead O'Connor tore up a picture of John Paul II and said "Fight the Real Enemy." Damn that was funny, and definitely the Greatest Moment in Human History.

You get the idea, but needless to say this will be a recurring topic until I get tired of it. BTW, Actual Rod has been posting some great material lately. Check it out at I Am Justice.

A Sad Day

How can this have happened?

Darrel, you were so articulate, so thoughtful... I loved your interview style. You faced absurd drug discrimination by the NFL, and now this? How!? Why???????


Whither Eric?

Where has Eric (from Delino) gone? I miss his chess posts. I loved his exquisite Bobby Fisher series... Why has he left us all to suffer this life without him?


Larry King

Watching Larry's coverage of the Tookie execution. End of his panel on Tookie, Larry goes live to a guy outside the prison:

Larry: So, about two hours till they execute him, eh?

Reporter: Uh no Larry, actually there is a little more than five hours left...

Larry: Oh, sorry, LA, right...

Way to keep your timezones straight, jackass.

Death is Wrong

When inflicted by the state. Humans, even killers, deserve better. RIP Tookie.


What to Make of This?

Recent News... Let me unequivocally say that I have nothing to do with this at all and am just curious what is afoot. Also, this way Life-Happens will link to itself.

He Lied, He Lied, He Lied, He Lied. . .(or Schiavosis Revisited)

It seems that the mandible of justice has crushed Nosferatu, tearing him limb from treasonous limb. He's looking at 20-to-life.

I'm happy that Nostradamus, however, has been mostly exonerated. His recent posts notwithstanding, he usually blogs with the zest of Zorba (you bet your fucking life I don't mean 'the Greek') and the ringing clarity of a Pastor. He has also pulled our pulsing, sinewy heartstrings with his angelic songwriting, blinding us with musical revelations like Terri Schiavo Died.

Indeed, we have seen a revival of Terri-fever which seems to have snaked its way on over to DailyKos, where there is an interesting discussion of TerriPAC (hat tip to Dan). No one can doubt that the ghost of Terri will inhabit our political/agitprop system in years to come, and for that, I'm sure we're all grateful.

Yet there seems to be another reason for the renewed interest in TMS (PBUHAHF). May I suggest that the act of 'countdowning' rendered us all in a state of mild Schiavosis?

For the uninitiated, Schiavosis is the decay of the self under media scrutiny--once one's life is enveloped by the plutocratic Mass Media, one is frozen in time, somehow psychologically static and unable to perpetually change as healthy humans are inherently wont to do. Rather, one is forced to pursue the caricature based on a limited and biased understanding of that individual in one particular scenario. One lives in the media-moment, which is completely separate from the biological moment. We are all at risk of this; perhaps some of us even aspire to it. Rest assured, it is a form of death (some may still aspire to that).

That said, the review and ranking of our own works may have set off a round of self-conscious paralysis not unlike that experienced by all media figures (including Jennifer Aniston and Teddy Kennedy) and quite literally enshrined in Terri Schiavo's experience.


Life and Art

Hope everyone has heard that Matthew Bevalaqua from The Sopranos Season 2 (the guy Pussy and Tony kill in the park shed) was involved in a robbery that led to the death of a cop in the Bronx... Pretty amazing. His name is Lillo Brancato Jr.

Now that you know, just imagine James Gandolfini getting the news... Hilarious!


Rock Music

As some of you know, I was playing in a funk experimental jam rock band for a while.

Those days are now for the most part over. We may yet license some stuff for use in films, but touring is finished. The main difficulty was the three members all lived in different northeast cities. A secondary problem was that I don't really like jam music anymore. At all.

So I'm on to a new project, Movie, which is more of an experimental rock poetry project than anything else. We haven't played any shows, and we only have a few marginally recorded songs, but I feel like this music is more up my alley. I even included an old favorite (slightly edited to be less absurd), Heaven and Cheap Cigars, from the Nostradamus catalog.

But enough self-aggrandizement, and down to business. Despite the absolutely dismal state of popular rock music, there is a lot of great stuff flying just beneath the mainstream radar. I've plugged my friend D-Lo's band Dirty Projectors before (anyone in NYC should try to get out to Cake Shop (152 Ludlow, club in the basement of the Cake Shop) tomorrow night to see what is sure to be an excellent show, around 10:30), and they are just one of many great groups currently on the scene.

For a change of pace, and risking my audience entirely, I thought I'd give a few reflections on some recent albums I've acquired.

Wolf Parade, Apologies to the Queen Mary is actually a good album, despite the excessive hype. Produced by Isaac Brock of Terri Schiavo's favorite band, Modest Mouse, the album captures that David Bowie-esque vocal mixed with repetitive guitar and keyboard parts style that true hipsteres crave. There is a kind of thundering, electronic repetiveness to the drumming that unifies the group's sound thematically. I feel like some of their stuff is reminiscent in a good way of Modest Mouse's late nineties classic (before the band sold out and became really famous, etc.) "All Night Diner". Wolf Parade, overhyped as you are, you're from Canada, so what the hell, we like you.

On to other fish. I just picked up Little Wings' Magic Wand, an album much less hyped but I think perhaps more noteworthy than our beloved Wolf Parade. What's with the Wolf thing anyway? Isn't there already a group called Wolf Colonel? Is it the same Wolf? Like Peter-and-the or the-big-bad? Little Wings is Kyle Field and friends, and for the most part the songs are guitar and piano based, simple, subtly played grooves with Field's spoken word rhythmic rhyming over the top. I like a couple of his earlier records a lot, but this one appealed to me on a more visceral level, perhaps because the lyrics are really audible, and the poetry is on the money.

One more, impossibly low-key TAPE release, but do check out this Deer Tick/Nat Baldwin Split Release on Providence, RI label Tabel. Deer Tick is John McCauley, who's singing is an uncanny blend of Van Morrison and Dylan. He writes really great songs too, like "Dirty Dishes" and "Long Time" which you can hear at his Myspace page. Nat Baldwin is a really interesting musician, an upright bassist who sings with a warbling falsetto, often accompanied only by, you guessed it, his upright bass. His music is really excellent, I've seen him a bunch of times, and it is a transcendent experience. Visit Nat Baldwin at his Myspace page. This tape is really great. And besides, when was the last time you bought a tape? Why not buy one now for only $5?

Who knows if I will continue doing music reviews, or for that matter what will happen next. All I know is that Immortalized Stillicide has finally returned to its orginal, and in my view far superior, skin. All is fucking well in the west.


Now that the "investigation" has been resolved, let's get back to business.

We need to talk about Frank Stallone a hell of a lot more.

Congrats to Rich on his new job at the NFL, and congrats to Dan on the forthcoming Delino video, I know it's going to be a masterpiece.

Glad to be back.


After many hours of silent meditation, I have arrived at what should have long been the obvious conclusion. I have always forgiven Nostradamus for his weaknesses, but I never viewed his collaboration with ultra-Zionist apparatchiks as a sign of his weakness. I thought of it more as an example of further ruthless manouvreing by a cold, calculating tactician. The countdown was clearly his opening move in a propaganda war to destroy me and the vast, radicalized following I've accumulated. He feared our power, readers, and that fear was also a weakness, a weakness that led him to be corrupted by Joe Lieberman and AIPAC earlier this autumn in the back of a failing Dim Sum outfit (if something brings all of World History together in a more revelatory fashion, please let me know).

Nost. chose the quick and easy path to a post of simulated prominence rather than enduring the sometimes emotionally draining dedication to Permanent Revolution and Auto-Messianism required of a truly self-manifested blogger in the tradition of the Actual Blog. But now, he needs our forgiveness now. He was weak, but he is still generally a good blogger and ought to have a voice.

He has been forced to review his actions and may feel the necessary remorse to be reinstated as Chief Administrator of Death/Media. I, for one, miss him (mostly because I have nothing to read as I waste my life away). His pending legal case may require that neither he nor himself (Nosferatu) comment on old countdown-related matters or their connections to Zionists/Israeli spies, but Riemann and Arlo have shown their true colors and neglected to step up, and I'm tired of riding this tired horse. Morning didn't last long in Death/Media, because I was reminded that there is no justice.

Even if it means giving an agitprop mouthpiece to alleged conspirators, I need to return to my home, I am justice. My readers rightly mourn the instability caused by Nost.'s evil meddling, but they want a return to normalcy. Let the transition begin.


Morning in Death/Media

So it seems that Nostradamus has taken my advice and withdrawn from Death/Media, for now. That's good, especially as this little piece of news just found its way to me--two indictments (each on counts of obstruction and election fraud) have been sealed and presented to a federal judge. The rumor mill has the fingers pointing at none other than Nostradamus and Nosferatu themselves. An announcement by Special Prosecutor Dr. Teeth is forthcoming, perhaps as early as tomorrow (I'll let b.r. cover that one when it happens, since it may seem, once again, like a conflict of interest if I cover the proceedings).

Let me be clear: I still sympathize with Nost., even if he is a Zionist sympathizer. He is my friend, and I am fully behind him in general, but he should face a fair (though perhaps rigged) trial so that the public can finally know the truth behind the glory days of D/MIMRITF and itssubsequent collapse during the rigged countdown, which somehow I did not win (I only had 10% of the real estate on that fucker!). You are all anxious to hear the news, and certainly you all fear for Nostradamus' future.

So let's just calm down and allow the legal system work to its magic, people. The legal system is never wrong, and in fact, if my anonymous sources are right, the investigation has only uncovered the tip of the iceberg. That's right, the investigation continues. Extortion, blackmail and bribery (what's the difference, again?) are all avenues that Teeth will fully explore.

I don't do this often, but I ask you all to pray for Nostradamus and Nosferatu--they may be gone forever. Let us pray that they might face a fair trial, that they may not be stupid enough to obstruct justice, and let us pray, most importantly, for the strength to forgive our fellow bloggers in their darkest of days.



I just wanted to say that the recent allegations have really put an intense strain on Nostradamus. When he began the countdown, it was mostly for his own amusement. He had no idea the fans, and then, alas, the detractors, the countdown would garner.

Actual Rod's rumblings of a "government investigation" are deeply troubling, and Nostradamus wishes to make an unequivocal "no comment" on the whole matter. As this is a developing investigation, it would be remiss of me to say more on his behalf at this time.

All questions can be directed towards Nostradamus's attorney, Rich Berger.

In the meantime, Nostradamus, in the interest of D/MIMRITF has agreed to go on indefinite suspension from the blog.

As an act of solidarity, I, Nosferatu, will also be going on indefinite leave. This means, until the investigation is resolved, the blog will be in the capable hands of Bernard Riemann, and (alas) those maniacs Arlo Harshenstein and Actual Rod.

Viva Nostrdamus!

The Nostradamus Fraud Probe: Daily Update

Following my post last night, the Justice Department assigned a highly competent special prosecutor & his team to the case. As a result, I will not comment extensively on this case until the investigation is done. The masses have demanded that I take Nostradamus even further to task, but this isn't the place for trash-talking. I mean come on, guys, let's allow the special prosecutor to do his job freely and independently (don't worry, Dr. Teeth prefers to use the element of surprise, and moves much more quickly than Fitzgerald--his assistant tells me that we may see indictments as early as this evening).

A side note: I'd like our loyal readers to know that I have no designs on wresting the administrative controls of D/MIMRITF from Nostradamus. I have my own blog, after all (you should check it out). However, I am the most senior blogger on this site after Nostradamus since Arlo, the original first mate, resigned from the site several months before returning more recently. Constitutionally, therefore, I am next in the line of succession, so my desire to expose the truth may seem to accompany other motivations.

To quell those suspicions, I am taking myself out of the line of succession, here and now. I will not ascend to the role of blog administrator if Nostradamus/Nosferatu ultimately leave Death/Media. Riemann is next in line.

With all due respect, I am disappointed in Nostradamus for not addressing these allegations himself. I would've thought that he could come face-to-face with the truth, but he's shown himself sorely lacking. It takes no moral fiber to shiver in your apartment, fearing the slap of the law on your ruddy, tear-and-chutney-stained cheek.

Whether or not Nostradamus was involved in these crimes (he was), he hasn't come forth with any response, so we must naturally assume the worst. Is a cowardly charlatan like that worthy of countdown privileges? I think not. Once more, Nost.: retract, or resign. You may save some hours or maybe even days by staying mum, but eventually, you will have to answer to reality.

You built this house yourself, Nostradamus. Are you so anxious to see it collapse?

Hono(u)r Killings

Great Quote here from this story:
"And murder is just the tip of the iceberg," he said. "There are other crimes, like rape, abduction and physical violence, which we would consider steps on the stairway to murder."

Is this guy a big Zeppelin fan or something?

The best part about this is that these crimes are notoriously hard to prosecute because the immigrant communities (primarily South Asian) tend to be very close-knit and are thus unlikely to testify against each other, etc. Another victory for multi-cultural Europe. Psych!


Bad Writing

After seeing her on The Colbert Report, it is official (and come on, we already knew this): Maureen Dowd is incredibly stupid, and what's more, a terrible, terrible writer. Observe:
But in Bill's case, he was only talking about smoking a little joint, while Condi is talking about snatching people off the street and throwing them into lethal joints.

Doesn't get much stupider than this. This is the New York Times? Really?

Whither Justice? or, Bibere Venenum in Auro

There have been demands (from both sides of the aisle) that I come forth and address the countdown controversy, but I'm not here to speculate on a pending investigation. That's right--I said investigation.

Highly-placed anonymous sources have confirmed that the countdown was rigged by Nostradamus cohort and alleged Cuban child bowel enthusiast Joe Lieberman with help from the former Ukrainian president (and notorious vote-rigger), Leonid Kuchma. The streets demand retribution! Fraud will not stand in this day and age--no longer, no, for the long overdue crown of justice has broken through! A few things we know--Tom was wronged, Mulatto Jesus was wronged, Kinbote and even Lester were not properly venerated. In addition, Nost., you took a shit in Kingspawn's mouth and called it rhubarb crisp--but shit doesn't taste like rhubarb crisp, and 'SPAWN knows that as well as any man. Yes, bloggers were treated unjustly, we know that much. But to what ends?

Perhaps most shockingly, Actual Rod, Blog's Grateful Dead, was maligned and misrepresented by a blogospheric "leadership" that has grown fat on its own detritus.

The aforementioned sources claim that Actual God was the anointed by the hateful Zionist cabal now swarming on the proud horizons of the Yale blogosphere, bent on the destruction and forced relocation of our utopian peasant life. Our unique methods of subsistence and rationality are foreign to them, so they have devoured one of our own before our eyes--without us knowing it. The perceived democracy of the countdown was but a ruse, a diversion from the true, diabolical goal of a Nostradamus hypnotized by the microwave beams of Judeo-Celebrity, buzzing at him from all directions in his electrified cavern of clairvoyance.

This fraud probe touches upon other dimensions of corruption in what is turning out to be the greatest weapon in the racist/Zionist arsenal: Death/Media Incarnate Made Real in Text Form, a seemingly progressive, even radical/avant garde/post-fascist blog pregnant with Zionist propaganda. Read between the lines, people. Like entertainment news channels, Nost. has taken to anesthetizing our minds with vacuous countdowns before planting subconscious notions in our minds. He is the world's most advanced propagandist, but that wasn't enough. The hands that pull the strings of this operation, the corrupt Likudnik friends of de Marquis and AG, wanted total power, and so they rigged an honest countdown. The investigation will go on, and public pressure will never relent until Nostradamus is forced to either recant the latest countdown or resign from his position (or neither). The streets of New Haven are filled with teeming, angry crowds, undulating like a vestal womb of justice, and it will emerge, peacefully or not.

Your lying days are over. Viva KINGSPAWN!

We've Got Trouble

Uh oh... What does this sad tale remind us of?


From now on I think the Nosferatu personality will only appear from time to time. Kind of like in The Hulk (the TV version with Bill Bixby only please!) or that beloved film of our youth, Teen Wolf. Dig?

A Note on Countdowns and Catalogs More Generally

This wasn't my intention when starting this little site (which I've always said was done in imitation of Actual God with a design towards promulgating the media philosophy that incubated along with Terri Schiavo and which was birthed at her death), but I've noticed I have an amazing proclivity towards the list/countdown method of posting.

First there was the Best People Ever List. Then the short lived "Person of the Week" feature... Then the now infamous Best Posts with annoying rotating titles countdown.

What have we learned from all of this?

The person of the year is Terri Schiavo

Actual Rod was treated unfairly in the countdown.

I'm only funny when I link to actually funny people.

Beethoven died of lead poisoning.

Oh well.

What Can I Say?

Actual Rod, really, I mean this, and am NOT BEING IRONIC, I am sorry you didn't win the countdown. Perhaps, all things being fair, you should have won. Let me just stress again how sorry I am about your not winning the countdown, and again, please, I beg your forgiveness for your not winning the countdown.

While I'm at it, let me also apologize to Actual God for his winning the countdown. I hope this hasn't led to his being victimized by any jealous fellow bloggers who had hoped to win the countdown, which as we all know was unfairly not won by Actual Rod.

Going further, I'd like to apologize to Lester (God bless him wherever he is in the teeming winter concrete jungle) for his not winning the countdown. The committee decided that as brilliant as his work has been, Actual God's particular brand of sadistic wimsy had to take precedent in this contest of blogging prowess.

Lester should not be dismayed. Let the blogging for next year's countdown begin today! Next year I promise a much more focused and (I hope) less controversial countdown. Who knows, next year might be the year Actual Rod wins his first countdown (Aside from being the #0 Best Person Ever, and thus the linchpin of existence.)!

What might be called #-1

Kingspawn was also under-represented on the countdown. In truth, the countdown, beloved as it was, was somewhat slapdash. Rod, apologies galore to you and to Tom "Lemon" Lehman especially (and fuck it, I was too lazy to reread Finnegan's hard hitting, if somewhat verbose, analyses of American life in much detail, so sorry to Finnegan also). But Kingspawn, who has been eerily silent until very recently, was perhaps the one most wronged by the countdown.

That said, in a belated tribute, I want to link to several of his most wonderful posts from the past year, beginning with

For the Ladies

And then how about some New, and maybe a little bit of Puns, Death? Think I'm through? Uh uh.

Then we've got to devour I stand by Hillary's, then a heaping pile of So here's how this could have happened, followed by a pleasant sip of Eisenhower (Loyal Death/Media Addicts will be familiar with a certain dream I once had about Ike...).

For dessert, how about Walmart II? Or maybe some Homeless People?

For our worst nightmares, for those terrors we dare not articulate, we can always turn here.

#0 (All below one are naturally outtakes)

Since I didn't include any of my own shit, I thought I'd throw in a personal favorite from the D/MIMRITF archives:

Michael Schiavo's Dream


What's Your Ideal Day?

Countdown over. Fuck the haters, this shit is the truth. Lester obviously deserved at least two other spots in the top ten for his Jason Congdon masterpieces. I blame Actual Rod.

Also, this is a nice alternate #1, also from AG. Hope you guys enjoyed it, it was probably more fun for you than me since I excluded myself from the countdown entirely and had to hear a tirade from Actual Rod who selfishly only cares about his own position and not about THE TRUTH.

#2 Stupac Shakur

I just read Actual Rod's blow up comment again. I repeat, what the fuck? How ungrateful can one blogger be?

Anyway, Lester, it should come as no surprise, comes in at #2 with this absolutely brilliant post, which originated as a comment on Delino:

CSI: Corner of Park and Elm

#3 Arrives

Wow, Actual Rod was really pissed about being #5. Too bad.

This was another impossibly difficult selection. So difficult, I just spent the last hour searching through the archives of Delino, Hidden Hand, and (not) I am Justice.

Apologies to Tom. He mentioned that he was largely neglected in the countdown. This is true. Some of his posts really rule. If I had more numbers (or had planned better), I would have surely included this one, or perhaps his amazing (yet hated by many) Behind the Scenes... Of course the legendary Antoine's restaurant post was also nearly #3. Alas, when all was said in done, I opted for brevity.

Dan comes in at #3 with:

Human Resources

#4 Because People Are Getting Impatient

This was really hard, but I had to go back to Actual God, yet again, for post #4. Hopefully he realizes this disqualifies him from winning the countdown. Regardless of that necessity we've got to appreciate his early recognition of the theme that has been the theme of our Death/Media life... So early he even spells her name with a "y". Amazing detail. I won't ramble on anymore, let AG do the speaking:

Feed the Beast


#5 Johnny Five

Actual Rod is a wonderful blogger. For his final moment on the countdown, I had several amazing posts to consider. Take Vertigo for instance, or the amazing White Homeless People. I was really tempted to select Recline I, with its hilarious reference to barbecuing Christians.

In the end, I was left with only one choice. In this post Actual Rod accuses his critics of (what else?) bigotry for questioning his somewhat over-the-top style. So, I give you the #5 Post of the Year:


Amazing Events

I sincerely hope some good documentary film is being made of Saddam's Trial, because this is the most fascinating thing I've seen since the grand old days of Eichmann in Jerusalem....

The Eichmann trial, justified as it obviously was in many ways, remains a complex legal precedent. Eichmann's "just following orders" defense had been discreditted at Nuremberg, but the issue of "violated sovereignty" was also a key one (those international bad asses the Mossad kidnapped Eichmann from Argentina in 1960, violating Argentina's sovereignty) in this trial...

Saddam, love him or hate him, surely is in a better position legally speaking than our old friend Eichmann, though his death seems equally assured... Time will tell.


#6 With a Bullet

Sometimes a post is enriched by a string of comments. Sometimes these comments are anonymous. Sometimes they are anonymously brilliant, leading us to suspect they are written by someone who calls himself "Lester", someone I call The Chosen One. Sometimes the anonymous commenting impersonates other well known personalities like Rich Berger or JD Power and Associates. Whoever is responsible for all of these posts is de facto one person, one mass consciousness that will eventually, by means of its circuitous and ambivalent will, lead us all to our salvations at the gallows of history.

Never mind. Many people mocked Dan/Tom. Many people made light of their joint efforts. I may have even been among those people, who knows? The point is, like it or not, Dan/Tom has produced some great work. Some damn good work, work I admire. And this particular post drew a (I think) record number of comments (40) for our blog-circle (points to Tom for referencing his love of semi-circular seating arrangements in another post)... Anyway, sorry for this disjointed offering of an opening, but before we crack the top five, we had to make sure proper tribute is given to:

Paralegal Eagles

The Smack Down

Last night gave witness to a MASSACRE. That's right, team Al-Rich-Nostra-etc kicked lilly-livered Tom Lehman's limey ass all over the table at Shout About TV. Actual's God and Rod also went down. Hard. The victory was punctuated with an emphatic string of Rich Berger answers followed by Nostradaman high-fives.

Where was Dan, you might ask, as his brother tyrranically smashed his "/" partner Tom? The world may never know.

#7 Post in Countdown which is Undeservedly Beloved

Seriously, I'm shocked to learn anyone cares about the countdown, but after the fun of Shout About TV last night with AG, AR, Rich, Al, Tom, and various other important people, I have a new faith in the value of D/MIMRITF, if only as a public service, a public good.

Al was worried he would be left out of the countdown. Not to fear! Some of Al's early work drew harsh criticism from certain anonymous (Kingspawn) commenters, but that all changed in September, when Al produced a string of absolutely brilliant posts. Like Berger, Al is a wonderful aside master, but his asides have the kind of self-doubting earnest irony that Nostradamus for one finds both hilarious and true.

One could sing Al's praises all day. But since we don't have all day, let's just all marvel at:



#8 Post

Dan Berger is hilarious. F'ing hilarious, according to some. He is a pioneer; after all, without his visionary "Delino Intro Video" could ReelBlogs have reelly happened? Judge for yourself, but I think the obvious answer is no. A defiant no.

Berger is great for his asides, the way he can encapsulate a celebrity or moron's entire being with a parenthetical dash-connected-statement. This power is on display here, in our number 8 best post of the year:

Dream Job


#9 Is This One For Ever This Year

Could Actual God be better? Is it possible? This countdown aside, is there really any post better than:


#10 Gamma Ray Suit Invective Counterattack Scale

Trying to speed things up with the countdown, as I've been a bit lax.

This is a post from rather recently (sue me, I can't help when the genius flows) by the illustrious Rich Berger. Notice I call him Rich Berger, not Mark. Mark is in all ways inferior to Rich Berger. BathTubYoga is not an acceptable dose of Rich Berger. Only a full helping of Marquis well get you on your feet again.

Something about Rich's plainspokenness, his lack of guile, his fortituous and plentiful abundance of goodwill makes Marquis my most trusted daily read, the place I turn to when in the isolation of the internet, I question my very being. I remember I once spoke to Rich Berger while inside an extremely indie clothing/record shop in Brooklyn. It was amazing. I left the store at once, and as I walked into the open Brooklyn night I felt the very night lifted in the arms of the nearby bridge, so melifluous was the plan making that Rich Berger and I exchanged. Unfortunately we didn't connect that night, but the following night we had a tremendous time playing Shout about TV... Those were the days.

But I digress. Rich's latest and greatest masterpiece, whose earnest genius I need not explain, is our number ten best blog post of the year. Please enjoy again:

What it is like to wear a suit around...

#11 Blog Marathon Apartheid

Post number eleven in this sumptuous list comes by way of a very important contributor to the blogogosphere. No one can stick it to the fools on both sides of the political spectrum like the hyper-cypher radical visionary Derridean wunderkind Jeremy, contributor over at Finnegans Wake. He complements Finnegan's left-libertarianism with a brand of true Foucaultian idealism, which is to say rational scientific idealism. In an age where Darwin's corpse has been dug up, hanged and drawn-and-quartered (extra points for anyone who knows who I am referring to), a true philosopher of Scientia is what we yearn for and, thankfully, we have Jeremy.

His forceful style is best exemplified, I think, in this pointed refutation of the moralizing capitalism of the hated Thomas Friedman. Without further ado the number eleven post in this illustrious countdown is: