Person of the Year

Not another countdown, don't worry. I just want to take a raw poll this time. Please chime in on this. Anonymous votes welcome, but please, only for one of the following five candidates:

(1 Terri Schiavo

(2 Natalee Holloway

(3 Harriet Miers

(4 Cindy Sheehan

(5 Hurricane Katrina

A Good Idea

Nice to see little has changed here. Nostradamus is attacking the Pope. Actual Rod is writing pointless diatribes. The mysterious Bernhard Riemann has been mercifully silent. All is right, but I have been absent.

No more! I make a committment to you, Death/Media Incarnate readers, I will contribute more regularly. I will not let the ruling liberal majority trample on the voice of the truth without a fight!

On that score, finally, a Welshman has created something useful (and no I don't consider Dyland Thomas to be useful. Worthless is a better description).

Thank you, and good day.

Blood on Their Saddle

Pope Ratzinger, why must so many die because of your infernal ignorance?

Rich Berger, ahead of the game

Check out this New Yorker article, which was remarkably presaged by, who else, Rich Berger.


Death Rites

The sacred days are upon us. Najaf and Karbala have been regained by the faithful, Gog and Magog are all up in this shit, the Kingdom of David has been resurrected, and the Emperor of Rome, aided by a viciously ignorant propaganda juggernaut, marches on the war path to the Rapture. But one question remains: how long will the embers of justice bake our salted earth when the Jaws of Hell open up in the Cradle of Civilization? How long will they mourn me?

David Spade is truly the perfect indicator of American cultural decay and the total bankruptcy of irony in the popular discourse. He and all entertainment reporters should be enslaved and put to work on a Venezuelan oil tanker, their many riches seized and distributed to the poor and starving of the "developing" world. Who among you true believers is with me??? We must have parity!

#12 Jaberwocky Post Penitence

Fresh off the presses, Actual God's latest post was so delightful, with its witty and uplifting final pun, that I had to insert it immediately into the countdown. For those of you who are afraid they won't be included, don't worry, you won't be. Munz, this means you. Namely because you're "blog" has been inacessible for weeks. Weeks, nay months. What is the deal, Daniel? I saw you the other day, standing in line at the post office. I noticed your eyes wander over to the line of paraphenalia on display in that shoddy glass case, I saw your lips curl in anger at the thought of Reagan, then I noticed your mind make the obvious, but to you cunnning, pun on "Reagan" and "Regicide"... "Reaganicide" you thought to yourself, "I guess that's what Hinkley was after..." Subtle, Munz, subtle. Piquant even.

Munz, return to us. Open your blog so we can include it in the countdown. Open your heart so we can include it in our lives.


Ramsey Clark ladies and gentlemen.

#13 Post in this Sequence

I've been blown away by the recent turn of events at Immortalized Stillicide... I can't believe Jenny threw Lester out, and that that scurrilous fuck Kinbote kicked him off the blogroll... I hear Lester is safe somewhere in the elm city... Thank God her unsplenic arms can still surround him, thank God good Congdon's food can coddle him, thank good the radiant presence of Munz can burnish his o'er tan skin...

In any event, back to the countdown. With a bit of Lester on the brain, I give you:

The Unauthorized Daniel Munz Biography Parts I II III (actually this just links to part I, but this is meant to encompass all three, per AG's request)...

Lester is the Chosen One.

His initial burst (which I have identified as the string of Delino comments about a certain someone being fat and into politics) was such a breath of fresh air in a tired internet, and all that has come since has been in short, delightful... Lovely. Lovely. That sadistic oral surgeon Kinbote has got to go, and his skank coke whore of a fiance is about as tantalizing as she is inane. Long live Lester!


Die Mortals

Some of us want to eat you.



Welcome to bourgeosie paradise. Clement will take your coats. Darts will be played in the smoking room.


#14 in Best Post Countdown

Lester has been acknowledged by everyone with any sense to be a genius. His blogging, while sometimes spread out across many weeks, is always satisfying when it occurs. So satisfying. For instance, there was the time he:

Alleged Dan Berger was a Serbian Woman

That was some funny shit. Damn. Don't worry, more Lester to come as we inch closer to #1. Also plenty of Jason Congdon (sorry Arlo), so hold onto your white hoods, this snowmobile is going into overdrive!


#15 Best Post

Their are many types of blogs, bloggers, blogging attitudes, etc. All are encapsulated within a spectrum that I call "life". Some blogs transcend life, however, slip outside it as it were, into a realm of actualness or true virtuality. Actual Rod has accomplished all of these things by consciously manifesting his rage in miraculous posts such as:

On Chill

How can we not fall prey to his mercy? How can we lounge in his lagoon and not feel we are Iago? I do not know, I do not know.


#16 Best Blog Post

It's been a while, but the countdown continues. #16 comes from not that long ago. Yes, that's right, the now infamous post:

Hello my name is Peter Johnston and I'm in DS

Yes, it caused quite the controversy, and I don't mean to beat a dead horse by bringing it up again, but it was an important moment. Very important. After all, without it we would have never had the mindless fake retirement leading to the introduction of the perfectly bland Nosferatu personality...



I will let Hitchens do my talking for me.

Killer's Blog

David Ludwig's blog linked to right here. Suprisingly sane, eh? Just goes to show...


Peter Braunstein

Just heard about this from Gawker... Apparently this guy is a writer who set fires outside of a woman's apartment on Halloween then entered dressed up as a fireman and sexually asaulted the woman for thirteen hours. The best part is, he's still on the loose in NYC. Perhaps those world famous sleuths the Berger twins will get to the bottom of this mystery.


Here is the latest horror from these science-hating monsters.


Attache to The Chosen One

The Rebel will stand beside The Chosen One on the day of mercy, when all of the infidels will be quieted and made to revere the magnanimity of The Chosen One. His satirical guile, his Guevaran verve, his roots in the lands of turmoil and Biblical origin will be of great use to The Chosen One.

The Prophet will be crucial in chronicling, in advance, the advent of The Chosen One's pleasurable alternative religio-politic. The Prophet will celebrate the media that enthrall, and The Chosen One, ever mindful of the need for converts, will found himself on the writings of The Prophet, though his ultimate divergence from The Prophet's glib satirical nature will be sharp.


You have got to be kidding me.

Potential Terri?

You be the judge.


The only reason TMNT was ever popular is because a TV doesn't transfer smells.

Big and (Frank) Rich

Love this paragraph from Big Frank's Sunday Column:
The power of these lies was considerable. In a CBS News/New York Times poll released on Sept. 25, 2001, 60 percent of Americans thought Osama bin Laden had been the culprit in the attacks of two weeks earlier, either alone or in league with unnamed "others" or with the Taliban; only 6 percent thought bin Laden had collaborated with Saddam; and only 2 percent thought Saddam had been the sole instigator. By the time we invaded Iraq in 2003, however, CBS News found that 53 percent believed Saddam had been "personally involved" in 9/11; other polls showed that a similar percentage of Americans had even convinced themselves that the hijackers were Iraqis.

Though there is no blog record of this (alas) I have been against this shit from day one. Maybe it was the three months in Berlin in 2002, maybe it was the radical leftist views, the obsession with Hannah Arendt, who can say? Happily I have reformed myself from those pantheistical roots... I guess.


New Caption Contest

Sponsored by Rite Aid.

Poem in Memoriam of one who has Crossed Over

Cross-posted from a comment on 'I am Justice'

Frigid lips now, ashen lips
I close my arms around your hips
I long to touch your finger tips
But long ago the pulsing blips
Of your heart monitor went flat.

I wish I were Yasser Arafat
Or perhaps a skull-cap wearing cat
Like Amiri Baraka, or like that
Jakob Lithgow clown, who's fat
And not as talented as his brother.

Her passing was like a four leaf clover
The media did not over cover
It was appropriate for him to smother
Her rather than starve her over and over
Those brutal two weeks of infinite pain.

#17 Best Blog Post of the Year for 2005

Some hated it. Others loved it. Call me one of the lovers, now and forever. Tom has I think the potential to be the greatest blogging genius of us all. This is the epitome of his genius for me, though some will say he has other, better blog posts. While the countdown may prove those doubters right, let it be known that

William Rehnquist Skeleton Halloween Costume

is one of the greatest blog posts ever.


#18 Best Blog Post of the Last Year (calendar year)

Kingspawn is a curious blogger, often irreverant, sometimes abundantly angry, always crude, always pornographic. The first of this titan's entries on the countdown is a more recent post/sequence of posts, involving that ultimate near disaster, the almost crash of that Jet Blue plane. Kingspawn, poised in front of three monitors (Fox, MSNBC, CNN) broadcasting the descending plane with its crippled wheel, liveblogged the heck out of that close call. Had the plane erupted in a flaming wreck, this liveblogging effort would undoubtedly be higher on the countdown. That said, we must not forget the genius of:

Liveblogging Jet Blue Flight 292

#19 Best Blog Post Ever (of 2005)

Actually, this post was written by the illustrious Dan Berger when he was only 7, and it contains some of the most accurate predictions since the days of the ACTUAL Nostradamus. The time bending capacities of Mr. Berger are a true innovation that has not been capitalized upon fully yet. Eric's brilliant Bobby Fischer Sequence is one of the few examples of how this cunning skill could be utilized... Without further adieu I give you:

Predictions for the 1990's and Beyond

#20 Best Blog Post Ever

Going back a ways, to late March, when a certain little lady still roamed the plains... Well, the plains of my twisted imagination anyway. And I guess she still does, so that distinction is completely spurious... Anyway, I give you

AG Night Shyamalan

In this magnificent piece of early genius, the ACTUAL God proposes a film staring Nic Cage and Terri Marie Schindler Schiavo. This post was written 4 days before Terri bid us all adieu. It is rumored that it was this post that inspired Nosferatu to begin commenting. In any event, the countdown will continue for the next few weeks, culminating in a 2 hour Death/Media Christmas Special. Well, maybe not. But anyway, thanks to AG for all his wonderful work. Rest assured, this is far from the last of his posts on the countdown.

In Case You Were Wondering...

...Arlo Harshenstein resembles (in his physical appearance) Brewers star Lyle Overbay.



Despite some stated reservations, I am happy to announce that BathTubYoga and ReelBlogs have been added to the blog roll. Let the future begin, with or without the chosen one.


I suppose Kai is sadly right in his prediction, in his articulate defense of vlogging; we would-be literati have been fighting a losing battle for some time... Rise of literacy decline of literariness, etc. Fall of word, rise of image. A certain figure has spoken about these issues. I forget who that person is.

But anyway, let me emphasize that my blog has never purported to be non-fiction based. I feel like the best blogging is completely fictional.

I guess an easy answer would be for ReelBlogs to hire Lester. Regardless, I will watch for more developments with the avidity of the true enthusiast.



Nosferatu=Nos-Fer-a-tu, a latinate name by way of Romanian, it has the following false Latin etymology: Nos (we) fer (carry) a (away from) tu (you). We carry away from you; not a bad false etymology for a vampiric personage like myself.

By the way, if Nostradamus doesn't have the courage to say it, I do: I find the first ReelBlogs production a little bit lacking in authenticity. Actual Rod comments wisely on a recent BathTubYoga post on his problems with the "program"...

I guess that gets to the heart of it, doesn't it? Do we really want TV to take over the internet? I hate ESPN motion, I hate its ads and I can't stand using it, even if I am addicted to pro sports highlights. I love the blogs because they are primarily literary; video incorporations are fine, I think, but BathTubYoga is really like a serialized sitcom that relies on relatively cheap gags for its humor. Maybe it will grow, develop, but I can't help but fear its initial premise will wear thin in time...

But then, maybe its not a permanent blog... Who knows...

Also, all the talk about "professional blogging" feels really artificial; from Dan, from Tom, from Rich, Finnegan, AG, AR, Kingspawn, MJ, Lester, Al, Eric, even Arlo, yes, irreverant mockery of the absurdity of blogging is wonderful. From two people who you've never read, it just comes across as insincere.

Anyway, I hope the literary element of blogging stays alive. Nothing gives me more pleasure than a well-written Finnegan political post, a devious Berger/Lehman phantasmagoria (preferably involving zombies or animated skeletons), a sincere recounting of a days hijinx from Rich, a Walgreens plug from AG, a sex-tacular from Kingspawn, a genius anonymous comment from Lester, etc... Text is not dead! Television must not claim all of our time. Not yet, the chosen one has not yet arrived.


I always hate it when people escape from death-row and are almost immediately caught. I know he's a double murderer and all, but for some reason whenever there is an escape, I just hope they escape. Kind of like when I'm watching a basketball game, no matter who I want to win, if at the end of the game there's a chance for OT, I'm always for it. Call it radical ambivalence, relativism, I don't care. I just enjoy escape fantasies I guess.


Well, looks like the war on terror is working really well. Because, I mean, no terror attacks have spread to other nations yet, right?

Also, really love the upswing in posting across the board. Actual Rod is posting again (and very well I might add), B Riemann just provided us with a zany mathematical look at our crack-pot leader, ACTUAL God has a new gem, Delino hit a homerun with the SCOTUS/Strip-club blend (plus a brilliant anonymous comment)...

Things are going well. ReelBlogs is up and running, much to my enjoyment. Rich has yet to appear to my knowledge, but if and when he does in any guise, I will be finally happy. Anyway, just wanted to let everyone know that I was going to, as the end of the year comes nearer, try to compile a list of some of the greatest posts form across our illustrious coterie. A top 10, maybe top 20 list. Inclusive, but fascistical. Micro-fascistical as some would have it. I'll start compiling my list soon, and begin posting, well, soon. Also thinking about dates for the blog party...

ADDITION: KINGSPAWN has returned also with a brilliant new post. My failure to mention it was not intended as a sleight.


A base theory....

I know this theory may sound a little extreme, but what would be the consequences if our president lived in a base 9 world. (i.e. to him, the number 10 signifies the same quantity that 9 does to us, 100, would signify our 81, 1000 our 729, etc.... ie, bush counts 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,10!)
Imagine how so many of his economic policies, and perhaps all policies, could be written off as base inconsistencies!

At first one wonders how could such a thing be possible? I came across this trouble too, but imagine if he simply ignored the numeral 9 when it popped up in front of him in papers, signs, speeches, dialogue, etc. He chalked it up to misprints, miscues, or mispronunciations. After all, 9 does *look* a lot like 4 or a dislexic 6... and indeed it does *sound* a lot like mine, dine, whine, rhine, pine, etc.

When his advisors use the number 9, Bush winces (whether at them, or at his own timidity to ask for clarification, is anyone's guess) but presses forward. His own concept of 9 is mistook for 10 by everyone else in the room, and thus the lack of coherency eminating from capital hill!
Imagine this situation:
Bush demands 100 billion dollars for the war (thinking it's only 81 billion and that taxes won't have to be raised), his advisors and congress reluctantly approve, but when they ask him to make available money for public schools, he goes to the bank and finds a discrepency of 19 billion (which he assumes is a misprinting of either 16 or 14 -- anyone's guess) and decides it just can't be done. Meanwhile that extra 19 billion has been sucked down by the armed forces in the form of, well, you can probably imagine, sand resistant condoms.

How could a man live this way you might ask, how did this happen? Well, no one has ever *seen* all of Bush's toes at once have they? Perhaps he learned to count there. And we know that the Yale Math department back in the day probably didn't give a hoot whether or not their students could count, or really, whether or not they could do anything at all. Instead they were too busy, well, doing math (damn that new push toward teacher accountability). Then once you're a governor or a president, who is going to correct you on something that was probably just a misquoted figure anyhow?

Possible? Clearly. Probable? That, my math loving friends, you will have to decide for yourselves.
(Explanation: The 10 lashes to the back that Bush ordered were intended by him to be 9 -- clearly not torture -- but what got carried out in practice... well, there you go!)

The Future is NOW (ReelBlogs)

Fans of "The Songs of Nostradamus" and "The Delino Intro Video" will be happy to learn of ReelBlogs, a new service founded right here in the Death/Media Capital of the World, New Haven.

I heard a rumor that Rich Berger is going to be involved. All I have to say is that I am hooked already.



What about this story... Scooter?



Is a moron.

Here is the song.

It's a bit more expansive, but still good, if abstract.



This is really the last straw: Nos., in his most characteristic move to date, lied to me in saying that his new song would be a fair debate of the stem cell issue. As you have all seen, it was anything but fair. Nos., you have finally sunk to the depths of your liberal brethren.

I have contacts in the White House and, in checking out his bullshit story, learned (on background) that the vicious Nostradamuferatian allegations are completely false, and that the Commander-in-Chief, always the sane and reasonable Texan, needs no advice from presidential ghosts. In fact, he has been known to advise some former POTI on their financial problems. Perhaps Mssrs. de Marquis and Litmus should check out these rumors before they denigrate this already worthless blog with ever more falsehoods. Gentlemen, you make me sick.

This is exactly the kind of pathetic backstabbing behavior one would expect from liberals--just another page out of Treacherous Harry Reid's playbook. I am done with you all.

Madness of King George

A new song, the premise of which deserves some explanation; I recently heard a rumor that our disquieting leader George W. Bush has gone completely insane and is in fact talking to portraits of other presidents in the White House. Nosferatu and I teamed up to produce the two vocals heard in this new song. Thanks to Harshenstein again for his contributions on guitar and cymbal. Though he is a conservative ass, he's paradoxically a great musician.

Madness of King George

Hope this cheers you guys up, I think it's our best song yet. Special thanks to Steve York for dominating Technorati. His zany antics are really not worth thinking about, but who cares, this is America!


I am not going to respond to Nostradamus's attack on David Brooks. Brooks is a light weight, and I only invoked him once against Andrew Sullivan as preferrable. If I were really savage, I would only point out that his beloved Times's two chief liberal columnists, dream-land Krugman and the despicable Dowd, both engaged in mindless satires of their own in the last few days, but I won't, because unlike Nostradamus I am civilized.

Robert Novak is a fine example of how back-room dealings should be done. He has had the decency, like our President, to keep quiet about all of these ridiculous goings on. Soon enough, when Libby is acquitted of not obstructing the course of (in this case) non-existent justice, the situation will be forgotten and these fuming liberals will be revealed in all their moronic glory.

I've decided to amp up the doses of reality I provide in this liberal fantasy camp of a blogosphere, as long as Nostradamus permits. Keeping in mind his admonishment to avoid personal attacks, I will only note that I find Actual God and Nostradamus's recent Walgreens content stupid. Really stupid.


Key Sighting

I shit you not, that really is "Walgreens Street". What's next, "Walgreens Runway", "Walgreens Bowling Alley"? When will the insanity cease?

Achtung, Baby!

Killer on the road... His brain is squirming like a toad...

Schmekt Sehr Gut!

Just a little Deutsch title for my German Readership. Deutsch lernen macht Freund. So true!


David Brooks

Arlo Harshenstein recently mentioned his love of conservative columnist David Brooks. I have to say that while I completely disagree with Brooks on most issues, he has on occasion manifested that rarest of Republican traits, a conscience. He is more aware of issues involving the disparity of wealth than most conservatives. Slightly more aware.

Okay, now that I've shown I'm not a completely partisan attack monger, let's get to the attack. In his column of today (subscription demanded), Brooks engages in what he considers to be a satire. Needless to say, those of you who have read my criticisms of Ricky Gervais will not be surprised to find my ire raised by this "affront" to literary taste, to use a word that's back in vogue.

Brooks's title is "The Harry da Reid Code". Doesn't get much worse. The bland suggestion being put forth by this poor excuse for a satire is that Harry Reid's logic for invoking the now hopelessly overexposed Rule 21 is akin in its fictionalness to the kind of absurd conspiracy theory found in Dan Brown's recent smash The Da Vinci Code. Simpler, Harry Reid has hair-brained ideas that involve re-writing history. Brooks begins with an image to savor, if only for it's utter stupidity:
Harry Reid sits alone at his kitchen table at 4 a.m., writing important notes in crayon on the outside of envelopes. It's been four weeks since he launched his personal investigation into the Republican plot to manipulate intelligence to trick the American people into believing Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction.

Crayons. Hilarious. The Simpsons won't be calling.

He then moves into a tired catalogue of statements by Clinton and many former Clinton cabinet members (and Al Gore) about the potential weapons possessed by Saddam, all the while keeping his "grounding image" (Harry Reid with Crayons) in mind; the fictional Reid is made to extrapolate more and more elaborate scenarios for each Democrat's manipulation by the insidious Scooter-Rove-Cheney-Bush Cabal. Fine. So the Clinton Administration also thought Iraq might have weapons-- the important difference being, they didn't invade Iraq. Were there not UN Weapons Inspectors in Iraq in 2002? Did they find any weapons? Did Clinton himself not have opportunity in the mid-nineties when weapons were found to do exactly what Bush did in 2002? Did he do it?


The conspiracy is not about what we thought we knew about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction. The conspiracy is about how we decided to use that knowledge. Was the Iraq War a necessary response to a known threat, or was the nature of the threat distorted to make the war seem necessary? David Brooks would do well to remember history, before insinuating that history must be rewritten (badly, in his vision) in order for a Republican "cabal" to have operated. By pointing out the similarities of language and information used by both administration, Brooks only points out further the differences in the two administration's actions.

Let Harshenstein defend Brooks now, if he can.


Clean, Shaven

Is the title of an amazing and disturbing film I referenced here.

Fortune Favors the Lazy

Lucy and I were standing in Walgreens, picking up some necessary items (mouthwash, detergent, nicorette, oatmeal) when she grabbed my shoulder and said, "Is that the ACTUAL God?" I glanced over at the person in question, who was staring longingly out of a low slung knit cap at a row of tooth-whitening products.

"Definitely not him. Couldn't be. That person is too tall." As soon as I had spoken I began to doubt and, sure enough, a few seconds later, the personage turned and revealed the splendid, shimmering visage of (who else?) the ACTUAL God. To my great enjoyment upon his recognizing us he immediately dropped all of the items he was holding onto the floor, much to the chagrin of the Walgreen's staffers.

We exchanged pleasantries, migrated from WGs to the prophecy nest overlooking the resplendent Madison Towers. I remonstrated him seriously (in a cajoling manner) about his lack of recent production, and he agreed, explaining that his lack of new content sprung from, more than anything else, despair. The next few hours were spent catching up, exchanging favorite virtual memories, marveling at the genius of Lester, and of course, lamenting the loss of Terri.

It was an inspiring visit, and during the course of lunch I revealed something that is of pressing concern to all of our blogging compatriots. Before Thanksgiving Lucy and I will be hosting a blog party for all the members of our illustrious circle able to attend. Details pending!


Bird-Flu by Design?

I find it interesting that President Bush is willing to spend $7.1 Billion on pandemic preparation just in case the Avian Flu mutates to a deadly human form, while he at the same time suggests that Darwin's big idea is just a theory and that so-called intelligent design deserves equal footing.


Senate Closed Session

I think it was a good move on the part of Harry Reid. After his support of Harriet Miers, I am inclined to believe that Reid is perhaps the one shrewd politician the Democrats have. Frist, in his response, talked about this being "an affront to this great institution [the Senate]", but I think the message sent will be read differently by the American people.

Frist is one to talk of affrontery, he of the convenient stock-sell-off, he of the "appearing onscreen at a MegaChurch on 'Justice Sunday II' isn't an unhealthy admixture of Church and State", he of the "I'm a doctor but intelligent design should be taught", he of the "I'm a DOCTOR, and from the evidence I've seen, I think Terri Schiavo can recover", he is really one to talk. Reid has simply injected the whole Libby matter back into the public discourse by this entirely formal/promotional move. It is also a bit of a shot-across-the-bow on the upcoming Alito confrontation.

If Bill Frist really wants to excercise the 'nuclear option' he'll have his chance. But will his party stand beside him?

Alito's Scooter Roves Above the Miers

What is there to say? Scooter is smarmy looking. His hair makes me want to vomit.

Harriet Miers is gone, Sam Alito has arrived. Anyone up for a round of PiƱata bashing? I hear she’s full of candy!

The Colbert Report is no longer funny. Stephen’s shameless Law and Order: Criminal Intent plug was at once not funny, and self-serving. Stephen has guested on the show, people!

John Stewart, under tremendous pressure from Colbert, has become funny again, though one senses the “anxiety of influence in reverse” thing happening between him and Colbert.

If anyone ever says the name “Scalito” in my presence, I will tonsure myself.

Also, if anyone else points out the G. Gordon Liddy/I. Lewis Libby parallel, I will drink a jar of mayonnaise.

Last but not least, when the fuck is Hurricane Gamma going to appear to destroy us all?