Bill Murray is one of my favorite actors. His recent acclaim for roles in such popular films as Lost in Translation and The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou is only just, considering the brilliant imaginative depth this man has continually brought to the world of film... Also, he once watched me whoop his son's ass in basketball when I was about 13. Elitist Connecticut private-day-school basketball was hard as shit. But I digress!
Bill captured my heart forever on account of his role in Groundhog Day, a brilliant, dare we say Derridean, film. It needs no IMDB link, for its brilliance is limitless.
This AP Photo of Sheehan is demonstrative of a theory of mine. America is really interested in attractive white women. I hope the NAAWP doesn't get on my case about this...
I can't wait until someone makes a movie about Cindy Sheehan. And I don't mean an exploitative documentary. I mean a tell-all TV docu-drama!
Anyway, third plane crash in the last couple of weeks, this time in Peru.
This remarkable similarity in phonetic sound made the Sheehan Crusade an easy to cover story, and it also made it easier for Americans to pay attention to her and automatically inflate her importance/significance... All part of filling the vacuum. Thank God for reporters and especially producers!
I was thinking today about the pertinent facts of life I had learned in pre-school that I could still remember. Though noted for my memory, that power of memory, I'm afraid, is largely a rememberance of things to come, not of things past, as my mind is really rather cluttered with superabundant presentiments. Thus I could only remember two things.
One, the Chinese invented the fork, even though chop-sticks are their main eating utensils (that irony lies at the heart of my unrest).
The other fact was that the "London Bridge" of the song of that title is actually in Arizona. Apparently, this, at least, is true.
Oh yeah, and Pat Robertson, Pat Robertson! Take that!
I really hope we go to war in Venezuela. What could be more absurd? Assassination openly suggested as a legitimate option for our "Christian" government? What is going on here?
Not About Jose Offerman
This will be the blog on which I express my sports related opinions. It may not be as zany as D/M, but I can promise it will be a lot more fun than reading that repeating-piece-of-shit Bill Simmons... Well, maybe not, he is getting paid after all...
All bows of inspiration go to the Bergers. And to Tom.
By the way, I had no idea Max Kellerman (formerly of PTI) was such a conservative douche bag... He's apparently the back-up for noted bitch, Tucker Carlson. Max pulled a total Nancy Grace tonight, referring to his brother's murder as a justification for his personal knowledge of what it was like to suffer. Nice.
That's enough for tonight.
This brings up an important point. ACTUAL God, Jeremy and I were discussing the bizarre phenomenon of "women and blogs"... My girlfriend's hatred of the blog are well documented. Though there are a few notable female bloggers out there, on the more local level the majoritiy of my friends who blog are, well, men... A thesis:
Men's comfort-level with blogging is directly proportional to their comfort with internet porn. If one has seen the internet as a worthy telos for one's erotic fantasies, one has little trouble in seeing it as an equally worthy "recepticle" for one's written exertions... Not that I've ever looked at internet porn.
Just to prove that the Webcam is not a "one trick pony", here is an even more revealing shot of the Blog Cave. Notice the bass guitar and vintage fender amplifier leaning up against the recently re-painted window sill (thanks Lucy!), and also, of course, pay close heed to the vinatge 1950's era sliding windows that open on, though you can't see it here, another, nearly identical 1950's era apartment building...
The only way I could possibly think of competing with the zany crew at DelinoDeShields.com, who now have a nigh-untoppable introductory video, would be to install a webcam, trained on my blogging efforts 24 hours a day (who am I kidding, 17 hours a day. Everyone has to go to the bathroom and sleep)... Here is the first image.
Close-examiners will notice that the space demarked by shadow on the right side of the lap-top screen is actually a profile of Art Garfunkle!
Closer readers will even notice the "apple" insignia, which of course signifies my undying allegiance to the fundamental revolutionary modalities of Newtonian Physics, and, by proxy, Darwinism.
Closer readers still (and they do exist) will notice that my quizical sneer is an homage to Charles Bronson's look of bewilderment after the fire-escape scene in Death Wish III (the nuanced sound-track done by Jimmy Page is also meant to be invoked by my facial expression).
Finally, the closest of close readers will recognize that my couch is horribly ugly. And, that my apartment has no air-conditioning. And that the shadow on my face is obviously being cast by a drunk Natalee Holloway.
You guessed it. Unable to muster any legitimate response to the DelinoDeShields.com introductory video, I have resorted to finally posting my own maniacal visage in all its infamous glory.
ACTUAL God is back in town. Hanging out with him in reality was amazing last night, it was a stark reminder of what "life" used to be like before blogging... Hard to believe there ever was such a time!
His role as a blind black man in the future is the perfect compliment to his other most notable role, the sighted black host of one of the longest running shows ever, Reading Rainbow. The ultimate paradigm for race-relations in America, LeVar, you need no further gloss!
Happily, he was in New Haven then too and thus camped out underneath Barbara Bush's dorm room window for three weeks until her Secret Service Handlers finally agreed to grant him an audience with her father, if only to silence his shrill day and night singing of early Rod Stewart, accompanied of course by his best friend, that Asian violin plucking woman from Spider-Man 2. The following is an excerpt from a detailed two-hour long interview (it was more of a lost Beckett play crossed with a staring contest, really) Nostradamus (me) did with our illustrious leader:
Excerpt from Nostradaman Interview with George W. “Burning” Bush
Nostradamus: Thank you, first of all, for sitting down with me, your honor. It is a distinct pleasure.
Bush: Pleasure’s all mine.
Nostradamus: Okay. Let’s smoke some issues out of their holes. Do you believe in God?
Bush: Course. I sure do. God almighty created me sure as he created oil.
Nostradamus: What are your views on evolution?
Bush: It’s wrong.
Nostradamus: Why then did God create the theory of evolution?
Bush: He didn’t. Satan did.
Nostradamus: Interesting. I have to disagree. I believe God created the theory of evolution so that it could be later disproved by the theory of intelligent design, thus making intelligent design a tougher, more battle-tested theory. What would you say to that?
Bush: It’s wrong.
Nostradamus: Did you pray in school?
Bush: No. I hadn’t yet found the Lord.
Nostradamus: But more importantly, did you inhale the prayers of others in school?
Bush: I believe so. And you know, Nos, I'm a better Christian because of it.
Nostradamus: Do you hate America’s youth?
Bush: The children of today are tomorrow’s best effort at overcoming the mistakes of the yesterday's tomorrow.
Nostradamus: If Terri Schiavo were a float at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, would you be more or less likely to attend?
Bush: More. I feel a special kinship with that woman's plight. I just wish we could have done more to save her.
Nostradamus: Could you sign one of your books for me while I’m here?
Bush: I haven’t written any yet, but I’m working on a rotisserie barbecue sauce recipe book for my Presidential Library. Boy do I wish the Ranger's had pulled the plug--I mean trigger--on that Rodriguez for Ramirez trade... That goof-ball Manny is some kind of a symbol of leadership, not like that ungrateful Rodriguez.
More of this interview may or may not be posted later--eds.
Rhetorical gymnast Mike Miller expresses the extremely thoughtful philosophy around which this event was organized:
"Activist justices — we're trying to find out what we can do to stop that activity," he said. "Our laws are based on the Ten Commandments."
This is some classic Christian typological non-sense... Just as every tree in the Old Testament is read as a prefigurement of "the true cross" in the New, here all contemporary laws must be seen in the context of that mythologically articulated set of rules. These people think they are literally fulfilling the covenant (which as far as I can remember was made with the Jews) by attempting to recodify "our laws" as a contemporary mirror of ancient prophecy... For those whose minds are too perverted by relgion to know any history, Solon's Athenean Law Code is a more apt example of the kind of document our constiution is based on... And Solon, like Jefferson, Madison, Hamilton, etc. was ONLY A MAN! Imagine, the audacity of God to speak only once, and so anciently!
I would admire these Christians' imaginative hubris if not for the blatant manipulation going on here. This is why faith and politics cannot be confused. Having faith in the truth of the old testament is an imaginative act. In order to believe the "burning bush" and "God's voice" to have had litereal reality, one has to believe in something beyond the scope of one's actual experience. When this kind of faith in truth is applied in the political sphere, you get the justifications for the Iraq War, the logic behind the tax-cuts... It all makes sense if you understand it as an act of transgressive faith that by its very nature is not rooted in ACTUAL existence. By this same logic, Christians can hold a telethon run by political leaders and not see it as corrupting the independence and freedom of their religion, and furthermore can see citing Christian morality as the only guide for the drafting of laws as being non-threatening to non-Christians... It is amazingly foolish, and dangerous for all the obvious reasons that need not be stated again.
Witness this statement of a Bush-like view of freedom:
"We think this is a great development ... for the academic freedom of students," said John West, senior fellow of the Discovery Institute, which supports intelligent design theory.
This is a blatant example of what Hegel would call "negative freedom". Need I say more? Actually, I probably should say more, because the fact is that none of these uneducated, bull-shit spewing idiots have read Hegel, because, well, people stupid enough to express these kind of insane notions (to call them "ideas" is to do thought a great disservice) are surely not intelligent enough to understand a single paragraph of The Phenomenology of Spirit.
"Intelligent design" is the most gross and wrong-headed use of the idea of intelligence of which I am aware.
An Ode on the Occasion of the Return of Bertuzzi
Composed in 2 Minutes
A soul on ice is better
preserved an eye for an eye,
because if ever there was a time
for the old testament, around the
horn of issac and abraham,
this is it.
But Bertuzzi was acting
in retaliation for a wound from other
ice, other games, tribal stuff yet
to be arbitrated, and on
behalf of another.
Cold pizza, interupt the pardon
with your truth.
Jesus was sucker punched too,
and he could walk on water
I.N.R.I = E.S.P.N.
"Fuck Harry Potter? What are you talking about? Fuck blogging! I mean, I know you like blogging and all, but I mean, those other guys who you blog with, they're like doing it to procrastinate. They don't call it 'work'."
"I'm also doing it to procrastinate."
"But they have REAL jobs."
"You mean driving around an aged professor isn't a REAL job?"
"C'mon Stu, you do it like twice a week."
"May I repeat, FUCK blogging... I mean, blogging is just like masturbation compared to the sex you have with real literature. What about Wordsworth?"
"Wordsworth...." (a drip of Homer Simpson-esque drool runs down Nostradamus's cheek)...
"You sicken me."
And then, oh then, Ice-T turned the tables on us all by playing a cop on "Law and Order: SVU"... Awesome reversal. Fuck you Dan Quayle. Love it Ice-T, love it...
"I'm gonna knock some cops off..."
Cheer up, Charlie. Just be glad you're you. And be glad that in 2005 the term "Charlie" no longer has the pernicious resonances with the Viet cong and with some kind of racial epithet (apparently the title "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" was considered in VERY bad taste in 1971... Who knew?)...
I once saw the star of "Willy Wonka" on a "where are they now show" on one of the interchangeably vapid "culture" networks, E! or VH1, and the kid, Peter Ostrum, is now a vet, a vet of farm life that is! He's been reaching up cow's asses for the last thirty years.
Everything, eventually makes sense, even Don Cheadle's acting career. Were any of you aware that he was on the Golden Girl's spin-off "Golden Palace" in 1992? I wasn't until yesterday, when I tuned in to Lifetime only to see Betty White and Rue McLanahan trying to set up his character, appropriately named "Roland Wilson", on a date. This is far from the best part though... Cheech Marin plays the chef! Ah, the joys of the past...
And with our mighty axe-handles raised to the roof, blood on our saddles, and a post-it notes tatooed into our asses, we rise, glittering and golden as the sun on Terri Schiavo's resting place. Ciao!
But while other countries have coped, Americans have largely become complacent and expect many clocks to change automatically because dates have been set for two decades, said Lauren Weinstein, a veteran technologist.
"Missiles won't be launching but it's still going to cause a lot of hassle,"
If he doesn't come out and talk to me in Crawford, I'll follow him to D.C.," she said. "I'll camp on his lawn in D.C. until he has the courtesy and the integrity and the compassion to talk to somebody whose life he has ruined.
Damn. It's a good thing that guy had such detailed knowledge of Mr. Big's travel plans. I hate you Bill Simmons. You have brought me to this.
Donna Martin Graduates!
To kill as punishment for killing is the stupidest, most essentially hypocritical action a government is capable of taking.
Take Bryant. What is the lesson learned here? Don't believe in the Media/advertisers/PR-reps idealized picture of a celebrity? Didn't we already know that?
I guess it depends on who you are. If you're a nineteen-year old female hotel employee looking to hook up with an NBA star, perhaps you'll think twice, and if you're an amazingly overpaid NBA star, well, I guess you should also think twice... Point is clear and the overall ethical message sent by the situation is simple: if you are a celebrity, it will only help your defense, perhaps by overwhelming your accuser. Is this something people really need/want to be reminded of? Ah, the culture of celebrity.
Ditto for the Jackson case. Would anyone be stupid enough to leave their kid with Michael to begin with if they weren't either desperate or crooked? Who cares? Seventy days of trial coverage later, death toll in Iraq rising.
Peterson... If all of the parties involved were less physically attractive, would anyone have cared? Of course not.
Schiavo... Well, we all know to have living wills now. Great. Let's go to war!
Lastly, Holloway... Please, young girls everywhere, whatever you do, avoid attractive Dutch boys in Aruba! They will be your undoing! Let's all learn this lesson now, together, by watching over fifty days of non-stop, no-new-information coverage from all of the major news outlets. Let's learn our lesson well.
It has now been almost four years since 9/11, as we all know, and we likewise know the enormous political and social impact the 9/11 attacks have had in all the various arenas of significance across the broad spectrum of imagined and real discourses of physical and mental nature.
But wait... Am I wrong in saying that the truly terrifying events of 2001, terrifying and spectacular as the plane attacks were, were the series of anthrax mailings that followed on the wake of 9/11? I say this because of the truly randomized potential represented by the web of linking signifiers that is the postal service is rivaled in its potential for mass "Exposure" only by the, for now, only visual/auditory world wide web. The mail comes to all of us, and if there's poison in the mail, we all could be targets, even if we don't work in an office building or live in a city, and that is truly terrifying.
Strange as it is that there has been no resolution to this mysterious series of events, the tiny media profile of the hunt for the attackers is perhaps even stranger, especially when compared to the media profile of the search for Natalee Holloway. Some liberal-minded critics (perhaps biased and paranoid, and even, dare we say it, crazy?) have postulated about these events' connection to the consolidation of Neo-con philosophy and power, but more attention from less fringy sources seems like it could be warranted...
While we're at it, whatever happened with the Yale Law School bombing?
Funny to think that all those who postulated that Palmeiro's status as a drug spokesperson (for Viagra) made him more likely to do other "performance enhancing" drugs were exactly right... I think this is one of the happy instances were the extremely obvious, superficial reading was completely correct. Sports writers everywhere pat themselves on the back, think for a second that they are capable of cutting interpretation, of course take their moralizing too far and end up looking like the fools they've been all along. Happy day, oh happy day... I'll guess that Raffy, even with the great numbers and the numerous hit children's albums, will never see Cooperstown after all.
But really, that Kobe rape story was some pretty dark shit (dare I say even darker than the steroids story), and the clumsiness with which it was covered, and used as a moral paradigm by my beloved sportswriters, has made it only darker. I guess it is easy to see the parallels with the Michael Jackson case, but remember, Kobe never even had a trial. The media insanity clearly took its toll on the victim, and she'd had enough... Great work you unsubtle butchers of "information"...
Anyway, sorry for the digressive Kobe content, but I must explain it in the following way for those of you stupid enough to accuse me of being "untrue" to the name of Nostradamus in focusing on stories that have already happened. Readers who have followed D/M for a long time will know that it began as a chronicle of Terri Schiavo about three weeks after she was dead. I chose the name Nostradamus in large part as a completely self-aware play on the fact that I was talking about a "dead issue". Another way of putting this would be to say I was being ironic, and am, even now, being more ironic than you who doubt could possibly imagine.