6.30.2005

My Cousin...

...the murderer? Scroll down to the section that reads THIRD PERSON CHARGED...

Back off Task

Where is Jesse the Body when we need him? Will Prince have to bail out the government of Minnesota?

Back on Task

Readers may have noticed that this blog has swayed, in recent weeks, from its stated aim of exploring the engrossing and fascinating relationship between death and media. Fear not!

May the posting of this mark a return to task, for the flag of Death/Media need be flown high over the towers lest Ilium be burned anew...

Just When You Thought Your Bank Wasn't Big Enough...

...it got much bigger, again. I'm sure this will lead to better customer service, more responsible lending practices, and a larger regard for the needs and aspirations of small business owners... Oh wait...

Advances...

...in that bastion of misogyny and homophobia, South America. Let's hope that this sort of thing is a real sign of change...

Onslaught of Vengeance

Check this out. If only it were possible to load a Cruise Missile with Prozac...

6.29.2005

End of June

Well, the glorious month of June is nearing its close. Two months post-Schiavo, and doing fine. June was also an epic blogging month for this pseudo-prophet/fortune-cookie-aphorist. When D/MIMRITF started it was just as a fun, minor distraction from my normal life as an internet-small-business-owner/poet/musician. But, as will happen, I "caught the blogging bug" and it is now, officially, a major distraction. I haven't written anything off the blog in weeks, and whenever I try to write a poem, it comes out in the form of a blog, and it is inevitably about MJ/TS/TC/BF/PJPII or myself. I've even fantasiced about an epistolary novel in blog form. But I'm not too worried.

Anyway, thought I'd include one more link to our

Cheeky and Clever Online Survey!



I promise it to you as a father promises his daughter to the most virile youth in the tribe.

Sinbad

Usually I don't watch Leno, but I turned it on while extremely alert, having returned from a night of musical composition and recording at 3:00 AM, and much to my delight Jay was "rapping" with Sinbad. Some of my readers may have noticed that under "Favorite Books" in my blogger profile I have (truthfully) entered The Sitcom Sinbad. Many will have forgotten this show, but it is truly legendary. Salma Hayak was a co-star before her star had leapt over the yellow-brick-rainbow, so to speak, and Sinbad was drunk in the heights of his creative genius. Take this sarcastically if you think I could possibly be this sarcastic. Those who have seen Nostradamus weep know better.

Sinbad chimed in during the exceedingly lame main guest's interview with a few witty remarks about his potentially disreputable parentage. He also claimed to have dated Tom Cruise, which was hilarious. They tried to give more air-time to Sinbad (the main guest was this absurd, pretentious woman Amber Tamblyn, who apparently has a film coming out), but Sinbad gracefully demured... What a gentleman! Sinbad, thanks, you reminded me of my roots tonight.

Much to my horror, this young woman Amber Tamblyn has a book of poetry coming out called "Free Stallion". She is, naturally, a slam-poet. Not an anarchic seer. Not a disciple of Hart Crane. Not even a devotee of Louise Gluck or Robert Lowell... She is a slam-poet, and Simon & Schuster is putting her book out.

Excuse me, I'm going out to dance on Melville's grave with the beads of Pocahontas woven into my hair. Bleed, smoking Eidolon of Paumanok, bleed!

6.28.2005

Promotional Stunt

Alas, if only this sort of gesture had any actual impact on the world's greatest supporter of pollution, The United States...

The Celebrity Cruise Hits an Iceberg

Well, the backlash has begun. The APA has responded to recent statements by Tom Cruise.

I love how in the CNN article they even refer to Cruise's "manic, couch-hopping appearance on "The Oprah Winfrey Show" last month"... This cat would fit in really well on the new season of Six Feet Under.

Duplicity 101

So, tonight our esteemed President will give an address justifying his insane war in Iraq. He's using an old trick by appearing at Fort Bragg, attempting to piggyback on our legitimate sympathies for the troops. More empty, shameless politics from this snake in God's clothing. There will be no transference of sympathies by me, sorry GWB. This is disgusting. You are the one responsible for those 1740 dead Americans (you along with every duped moron who voted for you), you are the reason the troops from Fort Bragg are continually sent into harm's way, you are the one who deserves our scorn, because your justifications for this war don't make sense and never have.

By now, many will have seen this poll. I don't put much stock into polls generally, but even I grudgingly admit this one is remarkably suggestive (especially considering the absolute madness of last November) of who Americans blame for starting this endless, brutal, and totally unnecessary war.

Blog Outreach Program

With the help of everyone's favorite search-engine, Google, I've decided to link to random blog-posts that either echo my own positions in a light-hearted and enjoyable manner, or that I'm fond of for unexplained, potentially ruthlessly ironical reasons.

Who says George W. Bush is the Enemy of Literature...

...his regime's provided literature with its highest profile reference on Yahoo News ever!

6.27.2005

Survey

In response to the vicious Madman stalking Delino Deshields, I thought I'd try my best to counteract "Adamm N" by contriving a survey of my own!



Click here to take our Online Survey

Darth Rader

This one is for Liam.

EXTRA! EXTRA! Tom Cruisade Against Drugs Succesful...

...at least if you are old, poor, rely on Medicare for your perscription drugs, and take Benzodiazepines.

Picasso...

...is BACK! Well, not exactly, but one of his mistresses (Chamberlain like numbers here people) is apparently finally ready to part with some drawings done by the great man from the 1950's.

That last link reminds me of a dream I had two nights ago. I was in a rather martial establishment, with a number of my high-school classmates (recent reunion), dressed very smartly in a suit, being toured around an ornately decorated wood-panel room by none other than our 34th President Dwight David Eisenhower. This was quite odd, but we got along with Ike very well, passing witty banter until, of course, it came time for the song. We started in on some Cole Porter tune (perhaps "All of You" or "All of Me"?), with Ike leading the way in a Sinatraesque manner, all the while encouraging me to join in... With much bashfulness, I finally agreed to sing the last verse, and to my astonishment found that I could sing exactly like Billie Holiday... Which, perhaps even more surprisingly, delighted Eisenhower, whose charming tenor rose with my voice to bring off a boisterous conclusion. At this point, thank Emerson, the dream ended.

In the Spirit of Kingspawn...

...who is either an allegorical black or white piece in an insidious game of politics played by Smithian overlords, or is himself the lord of a hoard of miniature replicas produced by some odd reptilian love-making, I present the most absurd blog I have discovered in a while.

Get Richard Dreyfuss...

...on the line immediately.

If things get any worse, we may have to call this guy.

The National

I recently discovered this really great Indie Rock group from Brooklyn called The National. Check out their new CD, Alligator which I have been listening to constantly for the last few weeks. It is a mixture of laconic, sometimes-brilliant vocals/lyrics, very low-key and tasteful U2-esque guitars, and a drummer My Bloody Valentine could be proud of.

Amazing, a music related post where I managed to avoid plugging my own band! God, maybe I'm getting senile.

Best News Ever

The Ranks of (once and future) Potential-Princess-Diana-Killers Grow

Who to Believe?

The Maoist Rebels or the Absolute Monarch?

Things in Nepal seem on the road to, you guessed it, total disaster... Good thing the "Cold War" is over, or we'd find ourselves propping up this Monarch at the same time as we tout the spread of "Freedom" and "Democracy" in Iraq.

When will people realize that ALL ANNOUNCED PATRIOTISM IS JUST RHETORIC TO JUSTIFY WAR? I mean really, I watched a show focusing on Julius Caesar's Conquest of Gaul last night. Even in JC's time every military action was undertaken for entirely political reasons... This seems true of all wars in history, including so-called altruistic wars like the one against Hitler (because that's what we (the Media/Shiavo-esque-pawns-of-Media) think of it as, Fascism having been so neatly and quietly incorporated into "Democracy"). Yet people are cowed today by the empty rhetoric of the fascistical application of idealism ("Spreading Democracy through War"), and individuals (both Americans, British, etc. and countless Iraqis) are slaughtered as a result of their (the people's) cudd-chewing satisfaction in the empty thought that they "are doing their part" to revenge 9/11 by allowing this war to happen.

I guess what it comes down to is the simple fact that, despite (perhaps strangely because of) all of the coverage it receives on television, the "reality of war" is no more real for the average citizen now than it was two thousand years ago.

New Feature: Person of the Week

Due to the massive popularity of my "greatest people ever" countdown of two weeks ago, from now on, every Monday, I will be posting a "Person of the Week," complete with Wikipedia page link for those curious to learn more. What are the criteria for this list, you ask? The person must be dead, and must be deserving of a higher media profile (like how I worked in the title?)... So, without further ado, the first person of the week is:



Emanuel Swedenborg

For those of you unfamiliar with mysticism/semi-psychotic visions, Swedenborg was a scientist-turned-visionary who inspired, among others, William Blake, Immanuel Kant, and Ralph Waldo Emerson. He was a Swede (as his name suggests) born in that monumental year for Protestantism and Democracy 1688 (as was the snipy genius Alexander Pope) but spent much of his time in Amsterdam (no doubt for the space-cake) and London (clubbing). He was a highly successful naturalist, responsible for some surprisingly reasonable notions about respiration and the cellular construction of the human brain, but that all changed, permanently, in 1744 when, at the age of 56, he began having visions in which he interacted directly with Angels, Demons, and even GOD HIMSELF. From this point forward, Swedenborg took to taking down his nightly visions and interpretting them. The resulting interpretations included the arcane and heavenly Arcana Celestia, an attempt to analyze the Bible verse by verse (he got just into Exodus before abandoning the whole thing), and many other powerful and strange works of spiritual zeal. He died in 1772 at the ripe old age of 84, having written actively up till 3 weeks before his death. He was also reputed, Nostradamus-like, to have psychic powers.

Among his many followers, perhaps most notable (sorry Kant) is the American agricultural-colonist and inducer of alcoholism, Johnny Appleseed. To check out a book by Swedenborg, master of thought and imagination, click here. Swedenborg, we who will someday die salute you!

Finally, the Baby Boomers Get Something Right...

...and it's all told in this insightful article. Special thanks to Evan Wayne for the really cute pin-up in the left corner.

I don't know about you guys, but I feel like we might be "entitled" to a better name as a generation than the "entitlement generation," but then again, I'm so fucking entitled that of course I think that I'm entitled to more than just a stupid and condescending acknowledgment of my entitlement.

6.26.2005

In a Strange...

...but unrelated parallel to the recent addition to the blogstaff at Delino Deshields, my brother has started a blog of his own.

I feel like his insights will be a valuable addition to our community.

Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Camping...

...another scout is lost in the woods.

If there is any chance this is true...

...then I might just have to get my ticket for London (or get in my car and drive down to Philly) to support my boy (but mostly to gaugue crowd response, espec. if it's in Philly):

Michael Jackson May Join Live8 Concerts

Another Tough Talking...

...honest business dealing Republican.

6.25.2005

Summer of Our Discontent

Though Ebay had a major gala party to celebrate their 10th anniversary, all is not well (at least from a small business/individual perspective) in the world of internet auctioning.

Though I think in principle Ebay is a good idea, as it is set up currently, there is a ridiculous burden (ie. user fees, lack of adequate fraud protection, etc.) placed on small-business owners that pretty much serve to un-level an allegedly level playing field. Running a small-business myself (beyond just the fortune-telling booth), I know the pain of these ebay sellers. The situation with Amazon is similar. Amazon is an absolute necessity if one is in the music business, but they take a %55 on each sale (as opposed to the flat per-item rate (usually $4/CD) charged by smaller outlets) and are about as impersonal/user-unfriendly in their set-up/site managing options. But, alas alack, for now, it's by far the best option one has as far as trusted, recognized online distribution goes...

Just in Time for the 30th Anniversary...

...anybody have Roy Scheider's number?

Major Victory for Libertarian Ideals...

...in Hawaii, always on the forefront of individual rights.

Fight the Real Enemy!

And the real enemy is.........................PBS?

Is it just me or might Republicans not be better served worrying about the horrific corruption and lying the current administration has been a party to, rather than trying to pretend that that horrific corrution and lying is just the result of overly left-slanted PBS coverage?

6.24.2005

Another Cruise Video Archive

These remarkable recent appearances, all via tomcruisefan.com.

Cruise on Oprah Video

Check out this link if you have yet to actually see the Tom Cruise on Oprah freak-out (via TVgasm). It is a pretty amazing example of celebramania, and in light of this latest Matt Lauer interview, I thought it might be useful to have links to all of Cruise's recent freak-outs in relatively close proximity to each other somewhere, for all of us who have nothing better to think about/do.

Can America Possibly Resist...

...getting overly involved in the increasing tension in Lebanon?

Panic Time!!!

Aside from constantly panicking about the threat of terrorism, I've just discovered two new reasons to be constantly afraid:

Beef Will Make You Crazy

and

Millions May Die

That second link reminds me of a theory I once read (nicely summarized here) about the origins of AIDS and polio vaccinations in Africa in the 1950's.

Cruise Control

Here is a link to Cruise's Today Show interview (via Datalounge).

All told, it pretty much confirms what we've known for several weeks now, namely, Tom Cruise is an expert in the history of psychiatry.

Okay, I'm sure this has been suggested elsewhere, but I've got to get out my version of the Cruise-Holmes relationship theory. I heard that Cruise actually became interested in Holmes after seeing an early screening of Batman Begins. This falls completely in line with his crusade against psychiatry. After seeing the Scarecrow character, a maniac psychiatrist who gives his patients mind-altering hallucinogens in order to worsen their symptoms/create the appearance of madness, I imagine Cruise saying something like "Finally, an honest filmic depiction of a psychiatrist." Now, during the course of the film, Katie Holmes's character is naturally drugged by this nefarious doctor, only to be rescued by Cruise-esque hunk Christian Bale and given an antidote (ie Scientology) to save her mind from "permanent damage".

Allegedly Cruise made an appointment with Katie Holmes "to discuss a project" after seeing the film and ended up asking her out to dinner. Cruise has also attempted to give his antidote to Brooke Shields, but she, actually having suffered depression, is not really interested in swallowing the L. Ron Hubbard Guantanamo Circus Elixir.

Greatest American Revisited

So, after writing my semi-absurdist countdown of the greatest people ever, I decided to actually watch a little bit of the televised "Greatest American" countdown on Discovery. Wow.

First of all, their commentators are Dennis Miller, Randy Jackson, and Ann Coulter. How encyclopaedically representative of the totality of "contemporary American perspectives"! The moderator is Matt Lauer, the epicenter of blandness, and that egomaniac Al Roker almost got into a fight with "Toure" (who I am too lazy to Google) when said hipster actually had the audacity to steal Roker's mic...

Aside--The overwhelming influence of American Idol on this program is unbearably real. Jackson's presence, while an obvious declaration of allegiance, is actually a kind of blinder (reverse "Purloined Letter" situation here), meant to shield one from the actual, insidious politcal/sociological implications obviously evinced by the show's potential existence, never mind its high-profile "Media Moment" status.

The deepest discord this program has rent in my soul is the presence, in the audience, of a Benjamin Franklin impersonator. Not that weird at first, but when one realizes, as various pundits, commedians, and maniacs laud the accomplishments of each top five candidate (Washington, Lincoln, Reagan, King, Franklin), that the Franklin impersonator is quite literally taking credit for all of Franklin's accomplishments, and that most of America is tacitly, in watching him, acknowledging that he is in fact Benjamin Franklin, the Franklin impersonator becomes unbelievably large in one's imagination of his hubris.

6.23.2005

I Hope Finnegan is Ready with Some Vitriole in Response to...

...this atrocious ruling by the Supreme Court. I'm a little too up in arms at the moment to post any reasonable objection to this, but why it is absurd should be somewhat obvious to someone with any concern for individual/property rights.

Blood on Your Saddle

Has Karl Rove finally gone too far?

I hope he sleeps well. I hope Bush sleeps well. I hope the screams of dead Iraqi children don't haunt their dreams.

The Postman

Though I normally would mock Kevin Costner at any opportunity, many D/MIMRITF readers may have surmised that, of all my targets, Kevin is the one whom I secretly love. I actually watched The Postman after getting back from seeing the incredible Batman Begins (I thought it was better than both Spider-Man movies and both X-Men films), and I have to say, it was actually an enjoyable watch... It must be remembered that I'm going to be a sucker for any film featuring an enterprising black person who's renamed himself Ford Lincoln Mercury. Also Tom Petty as a post-apocalyptic Tom Petty was pretty great. Call me crazy, but The Postman was even better than The Patriot in my mind.

#9 in the News

That's right, folks, on the same day that saw Meg Ryan's would-be-stalker (the one who broke into a random house owned by unrelated Ryans and claimed Meg had "forgotten to leave the key under the mat") sue a newspaper for libel (he claims, since it wasn't Ryan's home, he technically doesn't qualify as "Meg Ryan's stalker"... Right.), the ninth greatest person ever, Mel Gibson, saw his stalker sentenced to hard time. I guess after that whole John Lennon thing, this sort of measure is necessary, but boy is it a shame that people can't deal with their obsessive fantasies alone, out of the view of others.

Just back from "Batman Begins" which was completely awesome. Christian Bale is the man, and his minor resemblence to Tom Cruise was made all too obvious by his leading lady, that inimitable genius, Katie Holmes.

6.22.2005

Paradise

I wish I could have seen this.

Prince is Jealous...

...because we are the stars.

Cashing In...

...at an Indian Casino, no less! You go girl... You saved our boy MJ, you deserve some gambling, r&r, and a personal performance by Tito Jackson.

Wasting All of Our Time...

...is, who else, Congress! This proposed anti-flag burning ammendment is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. Oh wait, the majority of these people are evil and completely selfish/concerned only with re-election... Of course they wouldn't want to spend time figuring out why the hell we went to war in Iraq, etc... An insane time, though perhaps it has always been thus...

Happiness is a Warm Resignation

Looks like those pesky evangelicals have won another victory for God.

Not!

Immediate Death Car Gnat/Real Form Maid Text

Sometimes Nostradamus gets really drunk and just starts spinning stories and foretellings out of control, until anyone with him has a cerebral hemmhorage or turns into a clown-impersonator. The above title is a sample result of such a drunken spin.

Meanwhile, in New York, the wife of actor Robert DeNiro just had their Polish Maid arrested for theft. Nothing really good about this story for either side, but I loved how they included the detail about the orphaned nephews. Good work guys! God I love the AP.

6.21.2005

Ratings

Well, after a brief spike in traffic due to the countdown last Thursday, D/MIMRITF is getting its lowest amount of traffic ever... What can be done to remedy this situation?

Hidden Hand, another favorite Yale Blog, gets a solid 200 hits per day while Not About Delino DeShields gets a very solid 40-50 looks per-diem... Because Finnegan's Wake has no visible counter, we have to imagine what their traffic is like, but I've heard conservative estimates in the low millions... On days when I blog less than 30 times, I get around 10 hits, which, after all, might be just... That said, any suggestions on how we can take this puppy to the next level are welcome.

6.20.2005

Back in the News...

Everyone's favorite scumbag, Preppie Murderer Robert Chambers is making headlines again. The aforelinked movie is one of the worst made-for-tv affairs ever (I've seen it about 9 times now), a highly-irredeemable piece of Death/Media trash verging, at its peaks of vulgarity, on outright tasteless smut. Chambers is apparently not being entirely forthcoming about his financial situation to the parents of his victim (he owes them $25 million thanks to a Civil Suit)... Chambers is no Death/Media Saint. He's too smarmy.

Who could be to blame....

...For the failure of the LA Times "Wikitorial" experiment?

My guess is its the work of the always mysterious and nefarious Delino Deshields crew.

This is the End, Beautiful Friend


Grave, originally uploaded by Anfernee Hardaway is God.

(Photo via AP)

Let's just pretend that this hasn't happened, and that the media frenzy is still at an absolute fever-pitch. That's certainly what I intend to do.

The Fever

Looks like everyone's favorite blogger, Finny has a pleasantly late-onset case of Schiavo Fever... If he posts another 7-15 posts about Schiavo over the next 2 years, he will have earned the official Death/Media seal of approval forever. As it is, two Schiavo posts in a row is a pretty good start.

Reunion Roundup

Well, I survived. Barely.

High-water-mark:

A member of the class of '75, at about 4 am Friday night, engaged one of my classmates (wrestling captain) in a prolonged and intense wrestling match in one of the dorms. This was all well and good, but things got ugly when, after he had beaten my friend pretty handily, the class of '75er broke down in tears, saying things like "Why are we doing this? Why are we fighting?" He was shepherded away by his concerned "braughs" and the rest of us were left to wonder what the hell had just happened...

Best story, by far, had to be my friend Adam's about being the best man in his brother's wedding. Adam got a little choked up and actually fainted mid-ceremony... Classic.

6.18.2005

Reunion

I'm at my 5-year high-school reunion. Last night was a complete drunk-fest on the part of everyone. I became needlessly sincere. It was awful. I apologized to people for shit I didn't even do, just to make them feel better. One girl collapsed, and another guy kept hugging me and shaking my hand, in total somber (if not sober) intensity until I just had to walk away. It was shameless.

Some of my favorite people aren't even here, which sucks. I'm debating whether or not to leave, but I think, since I already spent the $80 for a room, it would be ill-advised for me to bail completely. Believe me, I'd rather be blogging. I wish Finnegan had gone to this school. That would have solved everything.

6.17.2005

#1 Terri Schiavo



She magnetized the world, captured our hearts... Terri, we miss you, we need you, we will never forget what your presence in the world has meant, and will continue to mean.

So, the list is over. I'll be away for the weekend, so I may not be able to blog much, but having posted something like 30 times today, I think I deserve a break. Actual Rod and Arlo may begin posting again too at some point, I just don't know anymore. New countdown, new theme, next week.

#2 Gerard Depardieu



The greatest actor in the history of France. His role as Danton was staggering. His performance in The Return of Martin Guerre meritted six Oscars. My Father the Hero was much better than Casablanca.

#3 Plato



(Image via yale.edu)

Plato, not Socrates, not Aristotle, not even Malcolm X, was the most influential and important thinker of all time. The fact that his name is misunderstood by many for its homnym Play-dough is only a sign of the decline of everything since 9/11.

#4 J. K. Rowling



Not since Swinburne has language been so florid. Not since Dickens have the actual, routine lives of individuals been so charmingly captured. Not since James Gandolfini wrote a short story in third grade has something as original and brilliant and thoroughly captivating and good as Harry Potter been conceived of.

#5 Dr. Hammesfahr



(Image via hni-online.com)

Dr. Hammesfahr was the Nobel-Prize-nominated (by a congressman) doctor who claimed that his treatments, generally used on stroke patients, could definitely help the brain-damaged Terri Schiavo to recover. If not for the tyrranical and evil courts, Dr. Hammesfahr surely would have been able to rescue Terri from the sleepless dream of a Death/Media coma.

#6 John Starks



(Image via onlinesports.com)

Need we say more? John Starks dunked on Jordan. In a series the Knicks ultimately lost. Never mind the fact that a year later Starks also single handedly lost Game 7 against Houston, for that one shining instant, when Starks dunked on Jordan, anything was possible, and Ewing had a fist full of championship rings.

#7 The ACTUAL God



The ACTUAL God, in the mind of this host, invented the subtle art-form known as "beating-a-dead-Schiavo". This contribution to media culture was an invaluable turning point; after Monday, January 31, 2005, everything was different. Media collapsed in on itself. The much-reviled MSM was rendered powerless before the biting, witty, self-loathing, possibly drug-induced-yet-always-blindingly-incisive razor blade of Salam's bombast blasts against iniquity and stupidity. His pioneering coverage of the Bush-hidden-ear-piece-device-during-a-debate-against-John-Kerry scandal was nearly picked up by CNN for their daily blog round-up feature, but it was passed on in favor of the "left-libertarian" perspective of another notable Yale blog.

The image above is just an approximation of the ACTUAL God. His true appearance is unknown. Like Kaiser Sose, he could be anyone... A prophetic artist has suggested the ACTUAL God might look like this:



He is going to be blogging from India this summer. We can only pray his spirit is accepted in that foreign land for the magnificent yet querulous thing that it is.

#8 Lady Jane Grey

.

(Image via www.wga.hu/art)

Some great info about this centrally important ruler (Queen of England for 9 Days in 1553) can be found at this wonderful site.

Jane clocks in so high because her brief rule was filled with all sorts of foolishness and headstrong behaviour. She's sort of like Bill Clinton, Nixon, Monica Lewinsky, and Rachmaninoff all rolled into one person.

Plus, as the image shows, she was executed (a pretty brutal punishment for what I'm sure seemed to Jane nothing more than a college prank/game of musical chairs), and she is, after all, a prominent Death/Media figure.

#9 Mel Gibson



(Image via getreligion.typepad.com)

I figure if the Discovery Channel can include an anti-Semite biggot like Henry Ford on their list, I can include the son of one on mine. Mel's Christ film was perhaps the funniest thing I've ever seen. I laughed the whole way through, though that may have been the pain-killers. I also saw it in the middle of New York, which made walking out into a crowded throng, well, actually it was exactly the same as it always is, completely horrifying. Anyway, Gibson's Hamlet was amazing, his role in Gallipoli, poignant, his bloodlust in The Patriot, unforgiveably excessive and hence, like Passion, hilarious... The devil face... The devil face? Are you kidding me. Mel, you weave dreams only a pine-tree on fire could love.

#10 Galen



Galen, the greatest synthesizer of ancient medical knowledge, has been almost entirely disproved. His ideas have been replaced by greater theories, greater treatments, etc. Yet on the shoulders of giants medicine stands, the giant shoulders of Galen.

#11 Evita Peron



Evita, the wife of a dictator, was glorified not only by the Bach of our era Andrew Lloyd Webber, but was portrayed on screen by Madonna, a woman whose vocal talents reveal the late Maria Callas for the shrieking harpy she really was. You guys know that scene in Citizen Kane when even the guys at the top of the Chicago Opera House can tell Kane's wife is a terrible singer? That scene no longer makes any sense, thanks to people like Madonna and Britney, who have shows and films made to high-light the simple fact that they can't sing a lick... Oh well.

#12 Dan Brown

.

Dan Brown, award-winning and best-selling genius behind the ingenious novel The Da Vinci Code, a book that is now, actually, bigger than the Bible, needs no introduction. Dan Brown, is, in fact, much more important than even Jesus himself at this point. With the new The Da Vinci Code film even the big churches might be forced to take up the book as a total replacement for the original story in all of their sermons. It was a tough call between Lincoln and Dan Brown, but ultimately I decided that not only is The Da Vinci Code superior to "The Gettysburg Address", but that the publication of The Da Vinci Code was in fact more important than even the crucifixion.

#13 Abraham Lincoln

.

(Picture via Americancivilwar.com)

Lincoln was an incredible writer, by all accounts an effective and moving speaker, and he was, above all else, an incredibly shrewd politician and Machiavel of the first, pragmatic order. Oh yeah. He also freed the slaves and was later murdered in a theater, perhaps the most theatrical/media-infused death imaginable. Honest Abe, we salute you, 140 years after your unfortunate demise.

6.16.2005

#14 Michael Jackson


(Image via shieldsnet.org)

Michael Jackson is the most amazingly absurd character we've had in a while. We must give credit where credit is due, he makes Kato Kalin seem like Bruce Willis. The child-molestation is dark, but I've long been convinced that it's all fiction resulting from a Jackson PR campaign gone awry, not unlike the Lisa-Marie Presley thing. Lisa-Marie is as crazy as Tom Cruise. I saw her, on tape, protesting the use of psychiatric drugs on children. The use, in general. Never, should mentally ill children be given drugs. Or mentally ill people. Because, well, mental illness isn't real, it's just a weakness of the spirit, and by becoming a Scientologist, no matter how hopelessly ill you may have felt before, Scientology is the answer. Again, I am convinced that all Scientologists are insane, and in denial. Lisa-Marie's comments about "drugs" were possibly the stupidest thing I've ever seen. Oh, sorry, this was supposed to be about MJ...

The possibly genetically concocted/engineered children, the ranch, the "Scarecrow" role in the Wiz, the rumors, the friendship, the music, the ill-fated friendship with Paul McCartney, the Emmanuelle Lewis/Brooke Shields double date, the balcony, Bubbles, Jackson on tape describing a Llama's genus... He can't have molested anyone, he's too detached from reality for something so seemy and cunning. Michael, we'll always love you at Death/Media Incarnate. That's why you are #14 on our list. Only one spot ahead of Corey Haim. Two spots above your accuser.

#14 Hobbs the Liger

.

Psych!

#15 Corey Haim

.

The star of Lucas has had a remarkably terrible career since the early nineties. But that doesn't matter. That doesn't matter at all.

#16 The Michael Jackson Accuser

.

He makes the list for finally proving, once and for all, that Michael Jackson does not molest children, or that if he does, he can get away with it.

#17 Julius Caesar


Caesar not only Latinized much of Spain, France, and Britain, he died in an incredibly theatrical death at the hands of his "best friends" which is always a bummer. The fact that he's the worst character in the Shakespeare play of that name gives him extra credit.

#18 Makobo The Rain Queen

Two South Africans in a row? Do you have a problem with that? Then you are probably a racist.



The recently deceased Rain Queen was an important bridge between the generations in South Africa, playing a traditional cultural and religious role while carrying on life as an educated woman. Apparently it even rained during her coronation.

#19 Bishop Tutu



Apartheid was awful and ridiculous. Tutu helped the world see that. Plus, Miles Davis recorded a sick album in the 80's in his honor.

#20 Helen of Troy



On the list not because of that whole Trojan War thing, rather because of the epically bad movie featuring Brad Pitt as Achilles. That film proved that even the greatest, oldest western story can be vulgarized and butchered in the hands of the right people.

#21 Johnny Depp


Johnny, besides having had the unfortunate experience of having his friend River Phoenix die at his nightclub The Viper Room, is on this list primarily because of this news item (via CNN), perhaps my favorite of all time that doesn't involve Terri Schiavo.

#22 Richard Levin



Yale President Richard Levin makes it onto this list simply because of the e-mail he sent out to all Yale students on 9/11/01, which ended with the words (and I pararphrase) "Don't worry. We've talked with the Justice Department and they have assured us that Yale is not a target." That, and he's also a pretty mediocre public speaker.

Letter to the Prophet

Dear Nostradamnus,

In today's New York Times review of "Batman Begins," film critic
Manohla Dargis lauds veteran hearthrob Christian Bale's portrayal of
alter-egos Batman/Bruce Wayne. She writes:

"what Mr. Bale conveys effortlessly is Bruce Wayne's air of casual
entitlement, the aristocratic hauteur that is the necessary complement
of Batman's obsessive megalomania... without Bruce Wayne, Batman is
just a rich wacko with illusions of grandeur and a terrific pair of
support hose."

My questions for the prophet are these:

Who is Bruce Wayne to the obsessive megalomaniac Nostradamnus -- or is
he just a "rich wacko with illusions of gradeur"?

What does Nostradamnus's costume look like?

Yours truly,

L.G.


Hmmm... Good questions! My alter-ego is much like Bruce Wayne, mild mannered, extremely well educated, priveleged... But unlike Bruce Wayne, I do not have a butler, and thus my apartment is often extremely messy, which is a real turn-off for the ladies, or so I'm told...

As to my costume, I don't have any images online of it as of yet (for security reasons) but if my readers pass the appropriate and according background checks, perhaps I could consider posting some representation of it.

#23 Confucius



Confucius, an important precursor of the historical Nostradamus, is my favorite of the many interesting and compelling Eastern philosophers. His ideas about organization alone merit him a spot on this list.

#24 Dan Berger


Dan Berger, originally uploaded by Anfernee Hardaway is God.

Dan Berger, founder of Not About Delino DeShields and all around good guy, is a blogging genius of epic proportions. His appearance on this list should surprise no one. Dan, with the help of his trusted sidekick and secretary Rich and his blogging cohorts Tom, Eric, and Al, has taken the blogosphere by storm and brought the general quality of all blogs to the next level. By piggybacking upon the name recognition of a G-list celebrity to raise the awareness of Americans about issues as important as Terri Schiavo, Chess, Antoine's Restaurant, and Bulldog Burrito, as well as by skillfully (dare we say undetectibly?) altering Wikipedia to redirect curious baseball fans to their site (which insidiously enough really ISN'T about Delino Deshields. I know, difficult to believe, but the title is really not ironic!), Berger and his colleagues have greatly bettered our world, bettered it enough to make Dan Berger D/MIMRITF's #24 Best Person Ever.

#25 Friedrich Nietzsche



Nietzsche's philosophy, while distorted by the selfish (Ayn Rand), sophmoric (French Theory Grad Students), and evil (his sister) to be a fascist statement of unilateral individualism, ultimately suggests a deeper kind of communism than the more materially oriented variety endorsed by Marx, a communism of the spirit.

He is also an important predecessor to Terri Schiavo, in that he, Shiavo-like, toiled in a semi-conscious state for the last eleven years of his life while being paraded around to various anti-Semitic politicians and writers by his vile sister, Elisabeth Forster-Nietzsche. She later, after his death, continued to promote her distorted readings of his philosophy in a completely opportunistic manner. Thanks to her efforts, many people still associate Nietzsche inescably with Hitler, which is horribly unfortunate.

Best People Ever List

That's right, Death/Media is getting on the bandwagon of the latest international media-craze, compiling lists of the most important/best/greatest people in history. The English chose Sir Isaac Newton (which is insane. I would have chosen D.H. Lawrence, but Shakespeare is the obvious pick), the French picked de Gaulle (I would have chosen, well, myself, Nostradamus)... Discovery Channel is in the process of polling for the "Greatest American" as we speak.

Unlike these other polls, the Death/Media Incarnate Made Real in Text Form list will be entirely undemocratic, and will feature persons from as many countries as I can remember to include. The list will not consist solely of "Death/Media Saints", but rest assured, several will be featured prominently. The list will countdown from 25, beginning later today. Let the suarez of locusts begin!

Ligers and Tigons and Ti-tigons, OH MY!

More for the thirsty:



Check out this delightful site for more info on Tigons, who curiously, unlike their gigantic cousins, Ligers, tend to be dwarfish in size.

Liger Part II

Just for the curious:

A note about ligers and tigons: A cat born to a tiger father and a lion mother is known as a Tigon. Tigons are very similar to ligers in many ways, but are quite a bit different also. We know of at least one documented instance of a tigon being born fertile. The offspring was fathered by a tiger so it was called a ti-tigon. We have been presented with other examples of tigon/liger ofspring, including a very nice looking female tig-liger.


More information available at this useful site.

6.15.2005

Farewell to a Legend

Terri Schiavo, is your story finally over?

It seems Michael Schiavo's contention that Terri was brain-dead was, in a manner of speaking, the complete truth.

It also seems that Terri Schiavo was blind, which makes those "recognition scene" videotapes all the more ridiculous, looking back to the hey-day of Schiavomania when they were as commonly played as the Janet Jackson Super-bowl shindig/Timberlake-fantasy-act-out once were... I hope people like Senator Bill Frist M. D. are satisfied by this autopsy report, but I know they won't be. They won't rest until they themselves finally succumb to the Schiavo within, and lie permanently vegetative themselves, whistling to the stars through eyes blind as locust husks.

My Favorite Animal

Like Napoleon Dynamite, I must confess that my favorite animal is...

The Liger!

Ellen Feiss: Death/Media Scepter Bearer

Through a rather unlikely series of Google searches, I discovered this hilarious Apple spokesperson from 2002, Ellen Feiss. She was the girl who apparently seemed "under the influence of mind altering drugs" during an otherwise inane TV spot that boasted of the Mac platform's superiority to Windows. What her exact relation is to the predominant use of death metaphor/representation in media culture is unclear, but I found this remix of her ad to be pricelessly insane, and hence, beautiful.

6.14.2005

Eternal Return of the Same

She's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Schiavo Autopsy Report to Be Released

I feel like the "answers" that the Schindlers are looking for are probably not going to be forthcoming... It's just a guess, and I, like Tom Cruise, am not a doctor, but isn't it probably the case that an autopsy done after someone has starved to death is probably not going to reveal too much about the body's chemical constitution 15 years previously?

Wikipedia Scandal

I received the following message on my wikipedia account:

Please do not add links to commercial sites or personal webpages to Wikipedia. Wikipedia is NOT merely a floating conglomeration of irrelevant links. It is a serious matter. Don't screw with us, mister, or we'll screw you.

I think I really probably brought this on myself when I tried to add a Death/Media link on the Michael Jackson page... Perhaps the Terri Schiavo page is less closely monitored... When will they discover Delino? Is the DD ratings spike brought on by Tom's ingenious chicanery also nearing its end? Time will tell, who has fell, and whose been left behind... And they'll go their way and I'll go mine coal.

Prince is God...

...But I'm on my way to a major big-time blow-up... Dig THIS

Favorite Quote Ever

From this AP story:
They said he licked his accuser's head, simulated a sex act with a mannequin and kept dolls in bondage outfits on his desk.


My favorite part is the bit about simulating a sex act with a mannequin. As far as I know, there are as yet no laws preventing the molestation of a mannequin, but given what we now know, can any of us really say there shouldn't be?

It has also been alleged that the mannequin was coming on to Jackson.

6.13.2005

HIStorical Victory

Amen! Praise be to Quincy Jones! Amen. Superbowl thing never happened! Amen! I love you Michael. I'll sleep in your bed anytime.

6.12.2005

Cruise

The ironies of the Tom Cruise PR campaign are delightful. The man is on a crusade against psychiatry, all the while exhibitting symptoms of that unpleasant problem that many of us are far too familiar with... (to reuse my favorite formulation) you guessed it, MANIA. Interspersed among his condemnations of anti-depressants and eltro-schock therapy (clearly based on Cruise's, or more likely on Elron's (I refuse to call him L. Ron), watching of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, a disgracefully bad and stupid book, if decent movie, while we're at it) both of which are completely medically legitimate treatment (ie they save people from bottomless despair and suicide), are statements like "I've never felt like this before" and "Everyone should feel like this all the time"... Pretty soon he'll be saying "I am Jesus" or, even better, "I am Bette Midler"... Anyway, I can't get enough of you Tom, keep talking...

Just as an aside, how many people do you think will die as a direct result of non-compliance with psychotropic medication brought on by Scientology as a whole, and Cruise's outrageously irresponsible statements in particular (last I checked, he is not an MD, hence should not be giving medical advice... This could also be said of that other paragon of stupidity Phil McGraw.)??? My prediction (just for the effects of Cruise himself) is at least 3000, possibly as high as 10000. Another 9/11, at least in body count. To quote my idol, Nancy Grace, "Thanks, Friend."

6.11.2005

Anyone in New Haven...

...Should try to get out to Firehouse 12 to check out Chris Lightcap's group tonight. Mark Turner on tenor saxophone is a marvel and a genius. This is probably the most legit New Haven jazz date in years. Get out and experience the truth of sound.

6.10.2005

Terro Shiavi

Is a type of white slave fortune card reading involving a beaded alligator-skin bracelet and the aborted fetus of a Stegosaurus.

I guess this doesn't quite qualify as content. Sorry.

Tom DeLay

Is ugly, oily, and irresponsible. How's that for political content? And just to show you that I'm an equal opportunity hater, check out my newest acrostic:

Barak
Obama
Movie
Bomb

Fuck Barak Obama. A movie about his life could never be succesful. That cat's rhetoric makes me want to vomit.

White American Party

...Republicans are largely white and Christian, but they are also entirely selfish, repulsive in their self-righteousness, and appalling.

Nostradamus on Stage...

...Or, as the case may be, playing to twenty drunk casino refugees in an outlet mall plaza in the Vegas of the east... We take what we can get, oh we take what we can get. More content soon, I promise. Arlo Harshenstein has disappeared, Actual Rod has disappeared, I'm drunk in Atlantic City.

6.09.2005

Truth

"So much about Miles Davis is about a time of day, rather than a time of year, or month..." -Jesse Zuba

Why? Who Cares? WTF?

This shit sickens me.

Anyone else care to guess why?

Jackson Mirandizes his Buttercup (Nostradamus Gambles)

Not really, but I am in Atlantic City for an engagement (giving a mass-prophetic reading for some worried Jackson fans)...

Haven't got the heart to poke any more fun at MJ right now. Never mind.

Clark Gable Couldn't Read a Better Statement of Denial if He Tried All his now over Life

Tonsure my hair if you must,
I am the right stuff.
My funk is precedent enough.
I could never be queer, weird, or a pedophile
And be this funky.
Believe me.
Though I am strange,
I sing about sex
With women.
I'm not a pedophile.
I am funk. Believe me.
Funk is different from
Other things because
It's not a pedophile
And neither am I.
Being average never
Was an issue for me,
Not being a pedophile
Was relentless and resolute
Difference beyond averageness.
I'm not a pedophile.
I am funk.
Listen to your headphones.
I am not a pedophile.
Thank you.

At this point Nostradamus nods off in a pool of his own drool, risking several seats in Congress.

6.08.2005

And on the Fourth Day...

...Terri Schiavo said: "Let there be a verdict."

...But her words were meaningless (as usual), and her authority as a determining cultural figure had in fact been stripped in an elaborate ceremony (overseen by the afforementioned ghost of Reagan) earlier in the day...

Terri would want Michael to have the freedom to kill himself, and apparently so does Judge Rodney Melville (no relation, though I don't think we have to ask who "MOBY DICK" is in this case! The "White Whale"! Oh man, I crack myself up!), as apparently he's given Jackson one hour to report to the court from Neverland once the verdict has been announced... Is this just so Jackson can know exactly when to begin his Juice-esque flight from the arms of the law?

My prediction? Jackson flies a plane into Mt. Rushmore, Bush blames it on "The Base", and Jackson is replaced in the popular imagination by, who else, Frank Stallone.

6.07.2005

Michael Jackson is Visited by the Ghost of Ronald Reagan

By the ferris wheel,
near the imagination tree,
the song-writing beauty spreading tree,
between a movie-theater
and swimming-pool
President Reagan's ghost set down.
The ghost intoned, though
only a startled Michael heard:
"This is not the kind of America
I believed in and you know it;
whatever guilt you have, I know
we'll root it out and mete out
even justive like a tear in the eye
of God, America does that.
You, Michael, were the beacon
of popularity and world-wide
American diversity during
my Presidency, and now,
as my Republican ideals again shine,
where are you but burnt beneath
the microscope of delusions
built out of fame? Buck up. Be calm.
Fame, calmly performed, deftly
performed, can take you anywhere.
Even back from the gates of hell,
if you are truly among the blessed."

The Half-Time Show

We watched at Neverland. 2004.
We watched as Justin,
whiter clone of me,
ripped off my sister's leather
breast protector
and revealed
a shielded
nipple,
revealed what should have been kept solemn.

We watched, my friend Bernard
And I watched together,
Drunk on peach-wine,
We watched, my thirteen-year-
old panther, Bernard and I watched.

I wish I could have caused her downfall.
I must be the false cancer at the heart of evening.

I Dream only of Michael Jackson in Prison

The pure products of
the pharmaceutical
age go crazy--
in prison, wigs
are barred, (contra-
band concealment
worries) as are
prosetheses
of the face... Who
knows what could
be hidden within
false noses?
No make-up
either, for fear
of changing shape--
Who are
you really? We
would see, or
Sirhan Sirhan,
at least,
would see.
The prosecutors
salivate
and my dreams
are terrors,
myself as you,
dismembered face
of race confused entaglement--
to know the future
is to know the future of pain.

Aufklarung

Check out this bit of awesomeness: Papal Tolerance (via Reuters)...

The best part about this is that he's right, gay marriage is an expression of a certain kind of non-Hegelian "anarchic freedom". But as far as I can tell, anarchic freedom is better than intolerance, and the Catholic Church, at least in appearance and action, is nothing if not intolerant. And overly dogmatic. And hypocritical. And not benign, which I think (and studies support me) gay marriage is.

6.06.2005

Prayer for Michael

Before the mirror I sit tonight
And pray the jury will see the light;
The man in the mirror looks back at me
And says "Prepare for a lurid fantasy."
Transported, before me I now perceive
Michael Jackson with shackles over his sequined sleeves,
His sunglasses shattered by merciless guards
His cell walls strung with feceed toilet paper yards.
Beside him their sits a little monkey doll,
Real monkeys are barred as are vistors from school,
Yes barred are the members of the lovely lost boys,
As are all park rides and elicit sex toys,
No Jackson's in prison is a miserable lot,
The memories of two failed childhoods are all he's got...

The vision receded and I saw it in plain,
That Jackson's days are numbered like aging glass panes'.
Miserable injustice, we called you the Thriller,
But perhaps you were merely a childhood killer.

6.05.2005

Growing Fame

Our host's fame grows. Observe this British article:

Yet there is another way of looking at events, which comes more from the Nostradamus school of media thinking, rather than the Murdoch philosophy.
Some believe the reason companies, such as News Corp, have suddenly seen the light is that they are worried to death that the revolution going on around them might leave their necks on the chopping block.


Some will say the Nostradamus they refer to died in 1566. Death/Media readers and Wikipedia searchers know better.

6.04.2005

Fan Mail II

More enquiries:


Dear Nostradamus,


Does Clint Eastwood qualify as a Death/Media Saint?


Pagoda Tantriclilys




Well, Pagoda, I would have to say no. Though Dirty Harry is a potent symbol of white-male aggression and sexual frustration, I find the "death" in both those films and in Clint's later work to be too metaphorical. Charles Bronson, on the other three hands (especially on account of the immortal Death Wish 3 with soundtrack by an allegedly heroined out Jimmy Page, and because he's actually dead) definitely qualifies. This reminds me of one of my favorite all time prophetic formulations: If someone ever writes a fictionalized version of Hillary Clinton's life, they should give her character the name Swank Eastwood. I find this shit hilarious, but then, I'm probably alone there.



Dear Nostradamus

Are you gay? I mean this in the derogatory sense.

Leslie Nachbar



Yes. I embrace and attempt to integrate all forms of discriminoderogatory rhetoric as applied to my person, regardless of appropriateness. Therefore address me as you will, for I am the underside always. Epithetical slang is a mercy playground if you can but suffer it lightly.



Dear Bitch,

Could you please write a blog with more relevant links and political commentary?

Serious Reader (not Finnegan)


Read less seriously and more with your fingers, and you will know the weight I feel from the sight of pollen. Drenched in the weight of dew-high sweat, the vision comes, and whispering to the dark we fly if we can separate the blandness from the turpentine and summer-shining from the death imagination brings.

6.03.2005

Okay

Peace... Peace... The chicanery involving Kingspawn and Tom over at Delino DeShields has led me to be a little hard on my friend Arlo in imitation. Blog war cease-fire declared.

Anyway, Actual Rod and I were hanging out last night and we watched the movie "Ronin" featuring Robert DeNiro with the sound off, a really worthwhile experience, especially if one likes death, as quite literally 79 people are shot, including an ice-dancer in the middle of her routine... I believe this film was also based on a Frank Miller graphic-novel, like the more recent Sin City, and we've got to give it to our boy Frank (and by proxy his filmic interpreters), that mo-fo knows a thing or two about the Death/Media connection...

6.02.2005

If...

...Death/Media is ever made into a film, I want to be played by Robert Downey Jr. Arlo Harshenstein will be portrayed by, who else, Candace Bergen. Actual Rod=Andy Garcia.

Death/Mediocrity

My colleague Arlo, despite the rather intense amount of bull-shit he spins (I know for a fact he didn't vote in the last election... I was visiting his apartment in New York, and believe me, that motherfucker smoked a huge blunt and passed out FOR THE NIGHT at 6... He spent the earlier part of the day watching Three's Company on DVD, hence, no voting), occasionally is funny. I promise. If I am mistaken, fear not, I will fire him. In the meantime feel free to flame the shit out of him.

6.01.2005

Return

As hinted by N in a recent post, I just lost someone dear to me (my pet squirrel, Manuel) and have been in what he would surely call a funk.

If you think that's bad (or pathetic), apparently Nostradamus himself isn't doing so well. He called off our weekly blog-meeting and told us he was checking into a Siberian Mental Hospital. Time magazine followed up on the rumor, and it turns out he was just "chillin" with some of his boys there, and only consulted a fortune teller once for one 80 minute session.

I want to address an issue raised by Actual Rod (who I actually mistrust, nevermind the fact that his blog handle is unoriginal... Nostradamus has admitted that Death/Media is something of an AG knock-off [though this post, as I write, more closely resembles a Delino Deshields rip-off {the player, not the blog *notice the consistently below .300 batting average on my jokes*}] but Actual Rod went so far as to mimic AG's handle... So what if Rod is his real name?) at his other home, the very malapropriately titled "I am Justice: And You are Probably a Fascist" (I am DEFINITELY a fascist, if you consider Zionists fascists /which I generally do\)...

Okay, enough syntactic fun. Actual Rod called me a conservative, and though I am glad to have prevented his vomitting blood, I'm only a conservative in the most liberal use of the wrod. I mean word.

I did vote for Bush, but that was just to spite Nostradamus. The first time I totally voted for Gore.

So let this set the record straight: I am a conservative in recent voting history only. In my heart of hearts, I am an anarcho-syndicalist, just like Actual Rod.