River

Tie me to a roulette wheel! Drizzle maple syrup on my eye! Andlie Numz is my biggest fan, my biggest biggest fan! My favorite type of cotton is batiste. My favorite song is "La Cucaracha". My middle name is Hobarfolemew!

Come on down to Georgia! Come on down and we'll set you straight with a nice set of golden parallelograms!

Santa Clause is Gay

And what's worse, he's also a pedophile who wants to invade your childs webcam. Jiminy Cricket ain't got nothing on this remorseless morsel of holiday debauchery!Drink up on your wassails in July, you feckless drones!

Tea Leave Panda Fox

I just smeared my face with tea leaves covered in India ink. I then pressed my ink-stained face into a bristol board. I dumped a bowl of steaming outmeal on my dog. Now he has a scar and I feel guilty. Someday soon I'd like to take my bird on a trip to the florists so it can pick out my next birthday present. My bird is comically overweight.

Leech Heart

Death/Media Incarnate is possible the greatest blog of all time. This is of course an extremely testy matter for some who will someday enter the life of this closed sphere of a universe that is really more of a vacuous hole in the cosmos of my imagination than anything else.

Dogs will eat the peaches.

Hares will eat the roaches.

Pests will strive along with porcupines to touch the rim at age ten.

Jack Abramoff is bad bad news.